To have Hope

When I was in graduate school, after my divorce I moved in with V. V was close friends with my boyfriend E at the time, and while he and I have since parted ways on very unfriendly terms, V and I still talk from time to time. She and I share a birthday (she's a year older than me) and she's also an attorney (although in my home state).

She met her husband A during a trip to New Orleans that had a *bit* of alcohol involved. E was furious with her - said it would never last... A wasn't good enough for her, she hardly knew him - yada yada yada.

Well, V went on and on about how when she met A she just 'knew.' A part of her was complete. I was happy for her. True, I thought at first she should step away from the crack pipe - but then I realized that true love doesn't just come along every day you know... and for her to have found it well cheers to that! And - after I met M I knew instantly what she was talking about.

Years have passed and she and A are now happily married, and as I just found out today, they've started trying for a baby. She's in her second month of trying, and in some ways I am elated with joy for her. V had a difficult life and family situation growing up, but she is a very giving person, and I know in my heart that she will make a wonderful mother. They have a house, they're very financially comfortable, and she's ready to be a mother emotionally.

But I'm jealous of her. In a way that I can't explain. In some ways I have to admit that I always have been. V was always vivacious and full of life. She was thin, bubbly and brave. All the things that I wasn't. She was a big contributing force to me going to law school - and I'm thankful that I had someone like her to look up to.

But she sent heartfelt and sweet encouragement to me today which I really needed. And I am immensely thankful for that. But as she expressed her dismay that it didn't happen on the first try, it made me cringe a little. For while I certainly wouldn't wish this pain on anyone - especially not someone who I care about - it's hard to imagine what it must be like to have hope like that again, after all these months of let down and failure. I just want to have hope again that it's possible.

My cycles were 28 days for about 6 months, then I had 4 months of about 31 days, and then last month - while off the clomid and progesterone, I was a quick 26 days. Today is Day 25, and I'm dreading what's going to happen in the next few days. I just want to have hope again. Is that too much to ask?