Wednesday, October 26, 2005

They will tell you no, and you will tell them...

When I got home yesterday, Michael had dug five new flower beds for tulips and daffodils around the house for me as a surprise. He said he wanted me to have something to look forward to after the barreness of the winter. He's not really into gardening, but he built terraced beds for the front yard, and worked the hard clay soil into something that held promise... he fertilized and supplemented and the soil was rich and loamy.

He said, I want you to have something to hope for. We sat side by side, our knees pressing into the newly turned earth, planting close to six hundred bulbs before the sun slipped below the horizon and our hands became numb. Today, we will plant around four hundred more.

Spring has always been my favorite season... cliched - yes, perhaps. But I adore that feeling of rebirth - of new opportunities - new beginnings. As each tulip, hyacinth, crocus and daffodil breaks free from the frozen earth, as each tree cloaks herself in bright hope of flowers - hinting at the promise of fruit, I feel my own sadness dissipate as the world slowly shrugs off the brisk touch of winter and moves on. Spring is a prelude, a constant seduction of growth and renewal.

The R.E.'s office called yesterday - and asked that I drop by this morning for more blood work. Lupus Anticoagulant (?), ANA, and some other test, I don't remember the name of in addition to the CA-125. The nurse asked me if I had ever miscarried. Yes, I said dismissively, but it was very early. It was a chemical pregnancy, it hardly counts. She sighed, and said - honey it counts. They all count as lost dreams. She then explained what all the tests were for, and I explained - I'm spotting, red - on CD 24 - five days early.

They had me code the lab sheet, and the insurance codes were submitted as ovarian endometriosis, female pelvic pain, and habitual aborter to have the insurance pick up as large as a portion of the cost as possible. We discussed whether to move forward with this cycle, given the extenuating health issues. The doctor told us it's up to us, but that he would advise a cautious approach.

This morning on the way to the lab, my windshield was frosted over. The landscape looked as if it had been cloaked in tiny diamonds, the frost sparkling in the first streaks of grey dawn.

I am not ready for the emptiness and the grey flannel skies of winter. I am simply not ready to acknowledge the slipping temperatures and the cold north wind blowing against the windows. I don't, logically - emotionally - spiritually - believe that this cycle would work. Everything seems stacked against it. Rationally, I realize that I am perhaps being irresponsible. I fully acknowledge it would be better to wait, to have concrete answers and plans.

We have been waiting so long, another few cycles really are not that important.

I remember a Nike ad that used to hang on the inside of my closet when I was thirteen. I don't remember the exact words, but it went something along the lines of:

All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly. AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES.

We are moving forward. I will start this cycle, barring any blanket prohibition by the doctor.

22 Comments:

At 11:22 AM, Blogger Larisa said...

What a beautifully written post. What silly words do I have for you - none. Thinking of you.

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger Nico said...

You are an amazing woman. I think you can do whatever you put your mind to. If you are still having seizures, you and Michael will figure out how to deal with that. I'm glad you've decided to go ahead. Totally rooting for you!!!

 
At 12:45 PM, Anonymous Molly said...

Well, you'll have plenty of company, and plenty of us behind you yelling out encouragement.

Oh and . . . how adorable is your husband?

 
At 12:49 PM, Anonymous mm said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. You are phenomenally strong and we're all here to cheer you on. Good luck!!!

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger Donna said...

When you feel a surge of strength and will power, use it, you never know when it will be back again. Wishing you all the best.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger Mrs. T said...

How thoughtful of your husband! I like the spring, too. It's so refreshing when everything starts coming alive from the winter freezes. I'm glad you have decided to go ahead with this. Thinking of you!

 
At 3:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

one thought: could there be correlation between the early start of your cycle and the seizure?

i think you are doing the right thing by continuing on with the cycle. the possibility of another "episode" is only one contributing factor.

as with infertility and life, a person with a seizure disorder has to take the medicine, live within the guidelines, and realise it is out of our hands.

xo tess
http://tesspeak.typepad.com/

 
At 4:10 PM, Blogger Blue said...

Fabulous! Your husband is so thoughtful, definitely a keeper.
Will you seek out answers on the seizures at the same time or are you taking a one thing at a time approach? So many doctors so little time!

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Toni said...

Yea!! I was hoping you'd do it!!

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Lindy said...

What a mighty good man! I'm glad to hear you'll be moving forward.

 
At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you hsould just accept you shouldn't have kids. Maybe God is trying to tell yo uthat you don't deserve it. If you can't even take care of yourself how do you expect to take care of a child?!!!

Whine,whine,whine all the time.That's all you people do.

 
At 8:18 PM, Blogger Sheryl said...

Oh what an amazing hubby you've got there!! and I'm so glad to hear that you are going ahead with this cycle :)

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Mrs. T said...

April ignore that vicious bitch troll. Looks like God has already determined she's a fucking idiot and a coward for posting anonymously!!

To anonymous troll bitch:

It is none of your business! Didn't you ever learn "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all!" You have no right telling her that maybe God is trying to tell her she doesn't deserve kids". And if that is all we do is "whine, whine, whine", then why the hell are you still around reading???

 
At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations on getting a troll. Is it your first? I'm a virgin myself.
Someone so angry they can't even type properly, and yet they hit the word verification correctly, that's the kind of advice I listen to!
And who is "you people"? Bloggers? heh heh, Trolls: always good for a laugh.
Lala
p.s. thanks for your beautiful comment today, I appreciate it.

 
At 11:58 AM, Anonymous thalia said...

April, what a great post. And to imagine having a garden with room for 1000 bulbs - I'm incredibly jealous. I'm sure it will look wonderful, and I'm so glad Michael is taking care of you in such a thoughtful way.

I believe that we are the best decision makers on the cycle/no cycle front. You decide when you're ready, you go ahead if you want to. The doctors will help you manage the situation.

 
At 12:21 PM, Anonymous Jennie said...

April, you write beautifully, I'm sorry yet congratulating you all at the same time. good luck and yup nike gets it right sometimes

 
At 3:25 PM, Anonymous Caroline said...

awesome post...what is it about Nike adds that always make me tear up! I am pulling for you!!!

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger Calliope said...

First time poster...brought tears to my eyes. I LOVE that your husband gets it. Gets that you need that garden to look forward to.
I add you to my list (which is sadly growing) or women that I am pulling for.

 
At 4:50 PM, Anonymous wessel said...

This is a beautiful post, in so many places. What I wouldn't give for a nurse like yours! Your husband is a jewel. And I loved the Nike ad.

What are those white flowers that you grow inside in the winter in a bed of rocks and water? Have you thought about getting some of those? It's one way to take a little spring into the winter with you. Not a big fan of winter myself.

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger Ova Girl said...

Beautiful post April. And your quiet determination is inspirational.

 
At 5:23 PM, Anonymous B. Mare said...

Yes. Yes. YES, a thousand times a YES for you.

 
At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Lori said...

Those damn Nike ads always make me cry - so much worse than Hallmark any day of the week. I'm glad to hear you're moving forward with a plan. I am humbled in the face of your strength.

 

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