Friday, December 23, 2005

Advent

I wish each of you a happy and joyous holiday season, whether you've already celebrated E'id, the Solstice or whether you're awaiting the beginning of Kwanzaa, Channukah, or Christmas, or even Festivus.

And even if you don't celebrate any particular holiday, I wish you happiness and love.

I hope your homes are full of warmth, love, laughter, health and good fortune and that you find peace in your heart.

As you know, I didn't cycle with medication this month because I was sidelined due to overstimulation after the IUI. I'm now onto day 34. Thirty-fucking-four. Considering that Michael was sick with a lung infection for the majority of this past month, we only had sex a handful of times, none of which were around the time of ovulation - if it occurred at all this cycle. I am desperately trying not to hold out hope for a Christmas miracle - as after all this time, I should know better. And to face the truth, the chances of me being knocked up are probably statistically somewhat less than the recurrence of immaculate conception. And let's be honest - immaculate conception is a *bit* doubtful in the first place (no offense to my devout Christian readers). And to say that is more credible than me being pregnant is well a bit telling, no?

I left a somewhat quizzical message on the R.E.'s answering service around thirty minutes ago about it being normal to be late the month after cycling with injectibles and the nurse called me back almost immediately. Our conversation went like this:

April: "Is it normal to be this late the month after cycling?
Nurse: "It's possible, but usually we see patients with a very short cycle after a failed medicated cycle. Have you used any form of birth control this month?"
April: "Well aside from our raging infertility, uh... no."
Nurse: "What day are you on?"
April: "At least day thirty-four - maybe up to day 36"
Nurse: "Don't you always spot before your period?"
April: "Yes, at least three to five days before. That's why I was on the progesterone supplementation"
Nurse: "Are you having any spotting or cramping?"
April: "No, to both."
Nurse: "Have you tested yet?"
April: "Two days before Christmas, are you crazy? No."
Nurse: "Are you taking progesterone?"
April: "No."
Nurse: "Test. And I'll schedule your HCG on Tues. a.m. so we can see where you are."
April: stunned silence
Nurse: "O.k. see you Tuesday morning at 10, and Merry Christmas!!!"

Now, I appreciate the excited enthusiasm of someone who is rooting for me. It feels good for someone to have hope when I find it so woefully excised from my own heart. But I'm a fairly intelligent woman and after nearly three years of trying, I'm not bitter, I'm realistic. I realize I'm probably late from my body being whacked out due to my hormones being a bit wonky still.

But there is still a very small part of me that keeps hoping I can put those little monkeyface booties under the tree this year.

And I hate myself for holding onto that sliver of hope. Hate - hate - hate it.

I hate waiting almost as badly.

14 Comments:

At 1:15 PM, Blogger Spanglish said...

Oh April I know that stupid hope feeling where you feel like some kind of junkie scratching for any sort of miracle.

Maybe you're as weird as me. After one of my hyperstim cycles I finally started my mensis on day 56. On my other two hyperstim cycles I started around day 45. My body just didn't know what to do.

I hope your cycle day 1 comes soon, but not so soon as to make the holiday inconvenient.

 
At 2:22 PM, Blogger DD said...

The same thing happened after our second IUI attempt. They made me take two pee tests before they gave me a script for the provera, which gets the period going. I hate not only the waiting but the drugs that get you pregnant; keep you from getting pregnant; keep you pregnant, ad nauseum. It's like some crazy-ass joke NO ONE gets!

 
At 8:19 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

So, I'm need to know- did you test? That's quite a positive reaction from an RE's nurse- usually they are more low-key.

I so hope you get a miracle, and I hope I do too. (I'm in the midst of the 2 ww and not feeling to confident as my symptoms seem to be waning).

I hope that by next Christmas we both the babies we're longing for.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger daysgoby said...

Thinking of you.

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger Millie said...

Thinking of you and wishing you happiness love and all that other good stuff right back at you.

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Kim said...

Happy holidays!

I hope the new year brings many blessings for you.

Love, Sassy.

 
At 12:05 PM, Anonymous wessel said...

Sometimes having your hormones all whacked out from a failed IVF cycle is just what you need to enable conception. Hey, it happens! But anyway, when they draw your HCG, make sure that they draw a progesterone and estrogen level too so that in the even the HCG is negative, you can at least have a clue of where you are in your cycle.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger Toni said...

Having never gotten my period on my own, I have no advice on this one. SO I hope for a miracle this time....let us know what happens!!

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger Mari said...

April - I'm thinking of you and will be checking in on Tuesday!

 
At 5:51 PM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Well??? The internets are waiting!!

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Oh my goodness. I'm now hoping for you too. I have no idea if it's even possible, but I'm hoping away.

Merry Christmas! Please post results when you can!

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Kellie said...

Good luck.

Let us know what those results are. Did you use a peestick yet???

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Sitting here in California waiting...

 
At 7:09 PM, Anonymous mm said...

I always have long cycles after taking meds. But I'm hoping that you're nothing like me! Good luck tomorrow.

 

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