Treading water
Some days, it seems like it takes more effort than it's worth to keep my legs going, to keep the blood circulating. Sometimes it just seems easier to stop treading and let the current take me out - to lie on my back with the water swirling around me - absolving me of my worries, eliminating the mundane with the sweet finality of darkness.
But then, some days - looking out and seeing that there is no end in sight, I feel that I can't give up. I must keep going. I am alive, and that - well that's something.
I've been very cavish - as Tertia would say. We ended up driving to my parents house (yes, that's a 22 hour drive - one way) as M. wasn't sure he would be able to get off work, and flights by that time were costing close to $3K. It was actually o.k. - aside from the Deliverance backwoods of Mississippi. We stayed a night in New Orleans, and waking up and having begniets, I felt a lightness that I haven't felt in a long time.
My year at work ended dismally short of my billable hour requirement, but that's o.k. I'm starting off today - with 9+ billed hours. I'm shooting for a 45-50 hour week. We'll see if the work keeps up with me.
I may kill my mother in law. She actually had the audacity to tell M. she "felt lied to" and that she had "serious reservations that I even sent their holiday package." She called M. on Christmas morning to cry/guilt trip M. about us spending OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS IN THREE YEARS with my parents. I spent much more money on her than I did my parents. I made sure the gift was meticulous, and yes - it was shipped late - but you know what? My parents wouldn't have cared if we had brought presents at all. They just wanted to spend time with us. She, however, is not so easily pleased.
With each passing day, I doubt more and more that parenthood will ever happen for us. M. turns 41 on Wed. For once, it's not my clock ticking. Adoption is becoming less and less of a feasible option. I need guidance, but I'm too afraid to ask myself what I really want.
Sometimes, silence is deafening.
posted by April @ 5:54 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Hey, don't knock Mississippi!
grumble grumble grumble
If you left the DARK SIDE and became a Plaintiff's lawyer, then you wouldn't HAVE a billable hour quota. No, then you'd work 70 hour work weeks and get nothing when the EVIL defense lawyers won their sj motions in front of a completely biased court...grumble grumble
Why "no" on the adoption? Is it because of his age?
Dropping a line to let you know that I'm reading your blog. I found it today and am so compelled by it. I am an attorney, who no longer practices law, just beginning infertility testing with my ob/gyn. It's good to know that someone out there shares my fears - lonliness and failure - even if the fears themselves aren't so hot. I read all of your archives today. As for today's post, answering what you want is sometimes the hardest thing. So many people, particularly women, are really only good at answering what other people want of them. I hope you find an answer, and then a solution. Thanks for writing.
I didn't really like deliverance, I don't see the appeal of that movie.
Oh I should have something more worthwhile to say huh? My bad.
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