Grains of sand

I don't remember who it was - Bugs? Aakeyu? who blogged awhile back about infertility being the equivalent of measuring out our lives in coffee spoons.* I just realized this morning that my period is late. Not terribly late mind you, and yes, it's been this late before, but still, it's late. And there's no spotting - no cramps, which I always have three to five days before. Of course, now that I've said that, you know that I'll be desperately looking for tampons by the end of the hour.

Two years ago, I would have been rushing to Walgreens for an HPT during lunch, desperately waiting for results while hidden in the last stall at work. Two years ago, I would have likely already tested at least five times by now. I would have been calculating due dates, dreaming about nursery decor, and wondering what preschool we would enroll in. Two years ago, the negatives would have been met with a heap of sobbing tears.

Two years ago, I believed that we were just having a little bit of bad luck, but that it would happen soon, so soon that I shouldn't invest in new clothes, that I shouldn't join the gym, or plan a vacation for the spring... so soon.

Since April 2003**, I have been measuring out my life in two week increments. When people ask me what day it is, I hesitate - reminding myself that they don't mean what cycle day I'm on. It's as if there is an alternate calendar that I'm on, one where each two week period is of critical life changing significance. Months and seasons have essentially lost their meanings.

I will not be rushing to find out the results. I know what the answer is, what it always is. I will simply wait for the inevitable. I just wish the grains of sand would fall a little faster.

*If it was someone else, please let me know, because I would like to give credit for it as it is a post that has stuck with me for a long long time. I know that it's a reference to a T. S. Eliot poem, but I don't remember who had the moving post I'm referring to...

** And technically, I guess it's been even longer than that, as we actually never used any form of contraception the entire time we've been together aside from the occasionaly use of the ole "pull and pray" which as it turns out was incredibly superfluous.