Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Wake me up when September ends

The street we live on is lined with large stately oak trees that provide a wide canopy to the houses below. This morning as I walked out on the front porch, around eight squirrels were busy hoarding acorns that were falling from the trees like rain. All down the street squirrels and chipmunks were busy scurrying from yard to yard, their mouths stuffed with nuts.

I've never lived anywhere that truly has fall or autumn. Texas had a *smidge* of it, but for the most part, there was no extravagant show of autumn color. The leaves turned brown and fell off, with an occasional tree that was slightly yellow before turning brown. And Florida - forget it. We were lucky if it ever got cool enough to actually wear long sleeves.

But here, there is a sense of anticipation for the beginning of fall. There is an unspoken, but tangible sense of the need for future preparation. I feel a little lost and out of my element.

This may sound strange, but in Florida the lack of seasons actually dissipated my depression about infertility. Sure, the names of the month changed, but there wasn't a constant reminder of the changing time present around you. Driving to work in January looked exactly like it did in August.

As the summer ends, and time slips into autumn, the changes are starting already. Apples are heavy on the trees, some oaks and maples have already started turning - their leaves tongues of flame that reach out into the blue sky.

And as everything changes so dramatically around me, I am reminded (rather unwelcomely) that I am still in many ways the same. Aside from now being two years older, I still don't have a definite direction or answers.

It's still hard. It doesn't send me into dissolving tears like it did at first, but it's still emotionally draining.

How did this time slip away from me? How is it that we are not any closer than what we were before to having a child?

I'm not sure if this makes any sense at all.

Any of it.


At 1:55 PM, Blogger mm said...

It certainly makes sense to me. We moved into our apt in the fall of 2003 and immediately started ttc. All I can think as I watched the leaves starting to turn is that here we are again... fall, two years later and we have nothing to show for all the money, time and sanity we've spent.

At 3:28 PM, Blogger Mrs. T said...

It makes sense to me, too. Where has the time gone? Sometimes I get so focused on trying to get pregnant that I forget the little things I used to love, like working outside in the landscape or scrapbooking. I'm completely engulfed in TTC and it's my entire focus. How much more can any of us take of this? I ask myself all the time. But it's hard to get away from it, too. Ugh! Such is life, I guess.

At 7:43 PM, Blogger Donna said...

I'm sitting here staring at 5 years, my ENTIRE marriage, with TTC as the focus. Now that I've failed miserably and completely (sorry, but that's the truth), I'm trying to move on. I'm also trying to remember what its like to not have this as the focus as my life, but it just leaves me empty. I have nothing to replace it with that even comes close to the scope. Rambling. This post made perfect sense to me.

At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Molly said...

Fall is tough. I always do a bit of life reappraisal in the fall. Kind of taking stock of whether I'll be able to handle a long, dark winter.

Hang in there.

At 10:37 PM, Anonymous Dooneybug said...

I think it makes sense, you see the seasons change over and over. You imagine playing in the snow with your child, trick-or-treating, or going swimming in the summer. But then the next season comes and there's still no child.

Fall is my most favorite time of year. I think of it as renewal (as weird as that sounds). It's just something about this time of year that makes me fall in love with life. It can also be hard, especially because of the "family" holidays. And when it's just you and hubby, celebrating holidays is just not as much fun.

At 11:34 PM, Blogger Mari said...

I don't think that it makes any real difference what season we are entering in. You are right it is an unwelcome reminder that yet again time is slipping past us more quickly than we would want it to.

I sometimes find myself constantly asking "Why didn't we just start earlier".

After so many years these reminders do not affect me as they used to (just like you said), but is that a good thing? Are we so used to this failure now?

Your post has really touched me and for your sake I kinda wished you were still in Florida and didn't have to put up with such a rude reminder.


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