What do you see?

Edited: This is absolutely hilarious. Some of you are nearly exactly on the mark... and some, well - not so much. It's really entertaining though, much more so than what I'm *supposed to be doing*. Is being scatter-brained and emotional a side effect of Follistim?

I've learned a lot about myself, my husband and our marriage through this battle with infertility. In some ways, I've willingly allowed infertility to define who I am to other people - such as here, on this blog. In other aspects of my life, it remains very much a stigma - the hidden secret we never talk about, the topic to be avoided at all cost. For that reason, I've been reluctant to post actual pictures of us on here, because I've been too afraid to lose the safety of the cloak of anonyminity. Maybe you do know me. Maybe you know my husband, or our families.

Like many of you, when we first realized that we were dealing with more than a little "trouble" I sought stories of other people online, hoping that I might learn something from them. I found Grrl, and Julie, and then all the rest of you and I realized that infertility affects so many people. I decided to post anonymously first, using the blog basically as my journal to catalog our fears and hopes. And hey, let's be honest, it was cheaper than therapy - and for me at least, it was a lot easier to "talk" here than it was to someone face to face.

But I've learned to accept the vulnerability inherent in posting about something so personal, one could even say that I've embraced it. I've opened up the most personal, painful aspects of our lives to a literal world of strangers. I've told you (and by "you" I mean the Internets) things my closest and dearest friends don't know about me. And you know what, my deepest fears didn't come true. Instead of having these hopes ridiculued, instead of having my personal failings mocked, I've received the love and support and friendship from people all over the globe. It's helped, tremendously. I know that I'm not alone - and the despair and burden of loneliness being lifted is simply indescribable.

I've also learned as indicated with my previous post, that other people have gone through many of the same nightmares. Perhaps the subtleties are different but we're all going through similar versions of the same hell. I've learned that I can count on you for support, and I hope I can offer the same reassurances.

And perhaps it sounds conceited - although it's certainly not meant to, but I feel that we are helping others by posting our stories, the vignettes from our daily lives. Every day I get a surprisingly tremendous number of hits on a post I had a few weeks ago about progesterone therapy where I was asking for help and advice. The advice you gave me in the comments is now helping, I hope, others who have questions about the treatment they're undergoing and don't have people they know in "real life" to turn to. [that phrase has always bothered me - because to me, this is as "real" as it gets, but I digress].

With the advent of technology, I think that in some ways we've lost a sense of community. The days of sitting on the front porch just talking with neighbors until the sunset are for the most part a thing of the past. Michael and I lived in the same house for three years and never knew the names of the majority of our neighbors, not that we didn't try to make an effort. But with blogging, I feel that we are in some ways creating another community. Like any community it has its cliques, there are times we don't agree, but for the most part, it's an open and embracing group of people. For those of you lurking, we're here - and we'd like you to be a part of it as well. {thinking to myself, wow - I sort of sound like I'm recruiting for a cult there. Very come on over, the kool-aid is tasty, no?}

A friend and I were talking yesterday about radio personalities and how you "picture" what they look like, and how surprising it can be when you see them in real life and they look nothing at all like what you expected. Or for that matter, the casting for characters in books that are remade into movies. For me, blogging is somewhat analagous. I "picture" some of you to look a certain way, and sometimes I'm surprised by how differently you look in your pictures. For others of you, your picture looks exactly how I imagined you would look.

A favorite pasttime of mine growing up was "people watching" - I'd sit on the fringe of activity and make up lives for the people who pass - wondering what they did for a living, if they were in a relationship, who they talked to, what made them laugh. This is in some ways the reverse of that, you know those things about me, and I'm learning them about you.

So, now, I'm curious. How do you picture me? Do you picture me as a certain race, body type, height, eye color? Who is it that you imagine is typing these words? Do you see me with glasses or without? If so, what kind? A perfectly coiffed newscaster hairstyle, or dreads? Something different? Do you picture piercings or pearls (or both)? Tattoos? Do you think I'm more Pottery Barn or crunchy? Is my wardrobe more traditional/preppy or thrift store chic?

And tomorrow or Friday (assuming I can remember how to link pictures) we'll see how close you come to the face behind the curtain.