Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Heartache

I used to understand what faith meant. I used to believe that there was a divine plan, a reason for things that seemed unfair.

I don't anymore.

I refuse to believe in the God that my parents believed in because I refuse to believe that those who are good, that are wonderful - decent - loving - caring people deserve to be the ones who bear the brunt of pain. I refuse to believe that it's all part of a "bigger plan" and that "it'll work out." Why would someone so wonderful deserve to hurt? To have their hopes and dreams snatched from them? There are a lot of people I love that are hurting right so deeply right now. My heart is weary with sadness for them.

Please go and give Statia some love. She's perhaps one of the most beautiful, thoughtful, and amazing people I've ever been privileged to have in my life. She could use your thoughts right now.

4 Comments:

At 11:04 PM, Anonymous Tracy said...

When I had to have a hysterectomy (with less than 2 weeks notice at the age of 28) I thought "why me"? I would make a good parent, I wasn't a bad person and most of all I deserved a baby. When we spent tens of thousands of dollars on a surrogacy attempt (that the doctors stupidly gave us an 80% chance of working...I know, stupid me for believing them) and the beta came back negative (after a positive HPT) I lay in bed for weeks and just cried. I really thought God was punishing me for something. My heart was broken. But then 2 years later my daughter was put in my arms and I knew the reason for it all. I know it sounds stupid and hokey and I always hated that "the right child will be yours" kind of thing. But I know without a doubt that I could never have biologically made a child as beautiful or good as this child. She is an angel and I thank God every single day for that failed surrogacy attempt because without it I would not have Amelia.

I'm not writing this to say "God hs a plan", I'm not that religious. I am just saying sometimes you think good things will never happen to you and then you get a miracle and you appreciate it so much more than if it had come easily or naturally.

Tracy
Momma to a beautiful Chinese baby girl

 
At 11:30 PM, Blogger April said...

Tracy,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you have you have such warmth and love in your life in the form of your daughter Amelia. After the trauma it sounds like you faced, I'm thankful that you have this happiness in your life right now.

I just wish I could bring that same happiness to the people I love right now that are hurting. I just don't understand really how to process it all I guess. It's a bit overwhelming.

April

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger Donna said...

With so many people that I care about with broken hearts, including Statia, I'm feeling a bit useless as well. In some ways I feel lucky that I didn't have a religious upbringing, because I just don't believe there is a higher power (or a lower one, for that matter). We are in charge of our lives, but there is so much that is out of our control. I know that sounds oxymoronic. All we can do is be the best friends we can and accept what our lives throw at us.

 
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