Monday, May 16, 2005

Humbled

Although, in all honesty, it seems like now is not the right time for us to continue with actively ttc (due to the more than likely move), it still breaks my heart a little when I realize that we are still waiting. When we had a wild spontaneous romp yesterday morning, I felt almost ridiculous as I thought to myself - well - I hope it didn't happen this time. It's been a long time since I've wished that.

I've been reluctant to read a lot of blogs lately, and ashamed to admit that it was in large part due to jealousy on my part. Women who I haven't checked in on in a long time were posting pictures of round bellies and gushing over sonograms. Lovely people were talking about lupron shots and counting days to retrieval. Others were evaulating their home study and happily gushing about their referrals.

And then there's us. We're still here, still waiting. Watching the grass grow, thinking about what it might be like at some point to be parents. And it looks like we will be in this strange holding place for the indefinite future. For those of you who have asked, we are not going to be going on "birth control" as to be quite honest, it doesn't seem like we uh, really have much need for it. Of course, this inevitably means that I'll end up knocked up. Yeah, just relax and all.

This weekend, I was beginning the dreadful project of cleaning out the closets to start packing away items we don't use often. Nestled in the very back of my closet in the guest bedroom I found a stash of baby items I was lovingly setting aside. Tiny little mementos that really have no monetary value - but which have a significant place in my heart. There were bottles of formula there (while I intend to breastfeed, I was holding it "just in case"). Random diaper samples that have been sent to me for the last two years, as the companies assume my non-existent baby has grown and matured and has now been potty trained.

The formula is about to expire. I need to forward it to someone who has a child. Someone who needs it. Because I certainly don't.

4 Comments:

At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I'm feeling much the same way, except that I am lucky enough to have baby #1. I was pregnant with twins around the same time as a bunch of my friends (lost to miscarriage), and now all their kids are turning 1. Meanwhile, I'm still in a holding pattern, and we just had to cancel this last mock cycle due to some health issues unrelated to IVF. So now I feel like I'll never get there and its starting to make me realize maybe my son will be an only child. (Not the end of the world, but not what I wanted.)

I feel like time is slipping by and others move on with their lives and I'm still stuck in the same place I was 3 years ago.

I hear you babe!

Good luck with the move- still want to hear how you convinced hubby to move, and what you decided to do re: insurance.

 
At 5:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ayup.

Oro
Birch and Maple

 
At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can do a really good deed by taking the formula to a womens' shelter or putting it in a food drive box at work. I'm sorry that it was there as a reminder for you; I know that had to hurt to find it.

Good luck with the move. Chat anytime as we love to hear the latest with you!

Celeste

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger Princess Dragon Mom said...

I found your blog through I don't know how, but I've suffered from endometriosis for eight horribly long, painful years. My gyno wants to do a hysterectomy and I'm surprisingly fine with that.

I don't know if this might make you feel any better, but not being able to have a child/children of your own is not the end of the world. It seems like it, but there is much more to life (birthing creative whatnot, yada yada, blah blah blah), and I look forward to the day when someone asks me, "And when are you going to have kids?" and I respond, "Never, unless you'd like to donate your uterus because I have none" - simply to delight in the crestfallen, embarrassed reaction that I'm sure would follow. (I'm so sick of hearing that damn question!)

Be grateful for the life you have to offer your loved ones, and to complete strangers like those who might wander across your blog and not feel so alone with the infertility mess. Hang in there. :-)

PDM

 

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