Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Filtering through the shadows or "Maybe it's just God's will"

I'm beginning to feel odd about posting here, as we're not really pursuing treatment this cycle. And to be honest, I don't know when we will next. This need for a baby is consuming me, filling my soul with such vitrol and such profound sadness that I don't recognize myself anymore.

In the last few days, a number of people have hurt me, tremendously - deeply - by saying "Maybe it's just God's will. You and Michael just weren't meant to be parents. Accept that there's a reason for you to not have children."

I've been struggling a lot with elusive ideas of what might have been in the last few days. Have I prevented him from being a parent by marrying me? What if I had just said no, and he had moved on with his life to someone else. Would he have a houseful of children? Would I?

I am sort of in just a contemplative - awfully lonely place right now. Am I that bad of a person, would I be that bad of a mother? Why me? Why Michael? Why us? Why?

I am so happy for each of you who have conceived. Honestly. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, but I pray for all of you to carry successful (and drama free) pregnancies to term. I wish you all speedy and safe deliveries. I am elated for you with each doubling beta, with each first flutter of movement, with each belly shot. I have hoped along with you for each test, each milestone.

I am so happy for those of you who are adopting. I admire so much the struggle you go through to educate others, to show that this baby, who perhaps is not even born yet, somewhere in the world is your child. My heart aches hearing of the homestudies, the paperwork and the fear that you are having to go through. But I am immensely happy with updates of each dossier sent, of each homestudy visit completed, of each fingerprint taken.

I am so happy for those of you using gestational surrogates. I am awed by your strength. By the strength of those giving so selflessly to help you bring a child forth into the world.

I am so excited for each of you as you come nearer in your journey to finally bring your children home to your loving embrace. Home.

I am so desperately frightened and sad for each of you who are suffering. From infertility, miscarriage, heartache. My heart is woefully heavy with sadness for each of you. I pray for an expeditious end to your sadness, a hope that you will be closer to happiness with each passing hour.

You have all been so generous in laughing, in grieving, in just being with me. Thank you. You've helped me through some of the most difficult moments in my marriage and my life. You've kept me sane. You've kept me hoping.

So I feel almost guilty confessing that I worry - what if they are right? What if it is part of a bigger plan? What if I do just need to let go and accept that it won't happen for me? Perhaps I am putting so much effort into this desperate hope for parenthood that I am overlooking other ways that I can be happy.

Right now, I am tired. I am tired of starting over again and again. I am tired of feeling perpetually broken. I am tired of feeling like less of a woman. I am tired of my husband resenting the very prospect of sex. I am just tired. Exhausted even.

And to be honest, as much as you've picked me up and kept me going - I think I just need to sit and rest a bit. I think I may have hit my wall, if only temporarily.

I'll still be here, my cheers and prayers filtering through the shadows of the sidelines.

But for now the sadness is too heavy for me to continue.


At 6:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know why some people find it necessary to speak for "God" or pretend to know "His will" but I seriously think the world would be a happier place if those people were to become mimes.

I'm so sorry. Do what you need to do to get through each day.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

At 9:12 PM, Blogger Soper said...

You and me both, babe, you and me both...

At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it's any comfort at all, this is a very natural response to the stress of ttc. Sometimes the very best thing to do is to take a break; it can give you clarity about what to do next.

Don't listen to those people who claim to be God's spokesfolk. They say these things just let themselves quit feeling the pain of your problem. With these little verbal bandaids, they think they have done something. If only they saw these words as weapons and chose not to use them on you, they would be giving you a gift.

One way or another, I hope that peace will descend upon you.


At 10:01 AM, Blogger Dee said...

Beautifully said, April.

There's nothing wrong with taking a break--TTC can become so all-consuming as we all know firsthand.

Do whatever makes you feel better and if that means stepping back, savoring the down time, rediscovering the things in life that make you happiest...then go for it.

And those folks who say it might be g-d's will? All I can ask in return is "is it g-d's will that children die from cancer?" or "is it g-d's will that bad things happen to good people?" No, I don't think so.... I'm not a religious person, but if I were, I'd think that g-d doesn't like to see anyone suffering or in pain. From what the church taught me, our g-d is not cruel.

Thinking of you my friend. I am here (well, 90 or so miles away) if you need anything. Please take all the time you need and take good care of yourself in the interim.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Jen said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough patch.

I really would like to kick those people who claim to speak for God on this issue. Just from knowing you here, I totally disagree with the statement that you "weren't meant to be parents." However and whenever it happens, you will be wonderful parents--it's obvious you have so much love to share.

I don't believe that God sits above, choosing rewards and punishments for individuals based upon some bizarre calculus of worthiness. For me, it helps instead to think that every setback and horrible day is just another step on my path to a child--I will get there, and when I do, I will be stronger, and wiser, and better than before. It helps, too, to think that God didn't choose that path for me, but that he's there with me going through it.

Sorry to be so long, but I just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself, okay?

At 2:17 PM, Blogger Toni said...

Oh dearest...I'm so sorry that you're fed up right now. It's understandable.

I'm not a big fan of those people using G-d to say that it's 'his will'. Come on. If G-d wanted you to know what his will is, you'd think he'd let THEM know? Didn't think so.

I understand your need for a break. Take what you need so you can get back up on the horse :)

At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I just cut and past your entry to my blog??

Shit but I can relate to this post!

I understand the need for space - the need to just be and to remove oneself from the crazy aspects of the journey.

Thinking of you

Fractured Fairytale

At 8:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"God's will" is to love you and have a PERFECT plan for you life--not to hurt you.

Taking a break is good, and we will be praying & wishing for your peace and strength and happiness in the meantime.

At 10:27 AM, Anonymous joanneb said...

Letting the dust settle is a good thing. I hope there's a next time and better days ahead. New energy will come. Those comments about "god's will", though sometimes well-meaning, come out of abject ignorance. Was it "god's will" for cockroaches that man created RAID? There should be a special RAID for use on people who make flippant comments to those whose pain has been so raw and undeserved.

I hope you keep at it, kiddo. There's a lot that ART can do, however arduous. You're so young. There's time. I'll stay tuned for a breakthrough.

At 10:34 AM, Anonymous Menita said...

I agree with a previous commenter - this is the price that IF and ART exacts. Who gives anyone the right to know what God's will is? I know it's hard not to listen, but try to space out when they start in on that. I am so tired of all these self-appointed messengers from God.
Do whatever it is you need to do to preserve your sanity.
Your post is beautiful and strong, in the midst of your desperation. I hope you find peace.

At 11:04 AM, Blogger Julie said...

I wrote about this on my blog, inspired by your beautiful but heartbreaking post. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad.

At 12:12 PM, Anonymous Mandy said...

I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and I'm sorry you're hurting. Take a break if you need it.

Meanwhile, I don't claim to understand "THE PLAN" or if there even is one, but I don't believe any of this is happening because someone has decided you aren't meant to be parents.

You do deserve this - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Jenn said...

Damn girl, you wrote exacly what I've been struggling with. Thank you.

At 7:00 PM, Anonymous jane jdrbronx@hotmail.com said...

how kind of you to share these beautiful words with us, evn through your pain you are brining peace to others. I just got my first IVF BFN (lots of other BFNs along the road, 3 IUIs, blah blah blah) this fternoon and then I read these beautiful words. thank you so much for saying so eloquently what my heartis saying right this very second. Bless you.

At 3:10 AM, Anonymous Winter said...

There is nothing anyone can say that can make better the feeling of fear that you may never become a parent. As much as we want to comfort.. some people have NO idea how to give it. Like rubbing salt in the wound. I have been on both sides. We tried for 2 years, but now that i have a son.. it is hard to comfort those who don't.
Just go with your heart.. not with the voices.

At 4:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So very sorry. It sucks. Wish I could give you a hug, Buddy. Hang in there. xxx

At 6:05 AM, Blogger Orodemniades said...

Have you ever noticed that people who 'speak for god' tend to be complete asshats?

I'm just sayin'.

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Leslie said...

I know exactly what you mean. The conclusion I came to is that my drive to have a baby also came from this same god and if the intention was for me to give up I would feel that too. I think I am supposed to do this, I just haven't figured out exactly HOW just yet.

At 12:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It IS so hard. Anyone who says otherwise hasn't been there or is stoned.

and it IS NOT fair. and it DOES NOT make sense. There are too many people walking around this earth who believe that they themselves are indeed G-d and are privvy to his plan. Who cares about a plan anyway? Would it make any one of us feel any better if we knew that our loss was part of what G-d had in mind? Not me, at least.

I'm not sure what possesses some people to say such things. I get angry, frustrated, and then I feel sorry for them because (I hope) one day they will come to realize how much pain they have caused.

But for now, there is chocolate. There are friends. There are dreams. And there is the beautiful thing of taking a break.

With thoughts of love and hope...

from_julie AT yahoo.com

At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Take time for yourself, time to get reaquainted with your husband without the pressure of "making a baby". There's nothing wrong with living in the moment and enjoying the little things... the small sparkling moments... and just letting the rest of it fall away for a while.
Peace to you.

At 11:19 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I found your post through Jen's post. (sorry don't know how to do the trackback thing). It is really beautiful.

Re: the people who think they have God's ear- It amazes me the stupid/insensitive comments that people make (even though I've had a few of them myself). You'd think by now I'd accept that there are just some assine folks out there, but it continually surprises me.

Hopefully the good, supportive, encouraging people in your life outweigh the number of insensitive yahoos out there.

At 4:27 PM, Blogger Julie said...

Wow. It's been a long time since I have read a post that has hit me so hard. I identified with pretty much every word you wrote.
My heart is heavy for you, and I do pray that you and I both will get through this one moment at a time, as well as all the others struggling with this issue.


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