In which it is revealed that I am a complete FRAUD

This is the point where I acknowledge how much of a fraud, an imposter, a shyster cloaked in lies I truly am.

Since this whole “pregnancy/baby/child” thing hasn’t been working out so well, I decided to redirect my efforts into something more readily tangible. Something that – would arguably take almost as long, but would significantly impact our lives (hopefully for the better). True, we have palm trees, and I’m currently harvesting ripe tomatoes and peppers from my garden. Admittedly there is 70 degree year round temperatures, and we’re literally within walking distance of the beach. Yeah – I have a great job, Michael’s incredibly happy with his, and I just got a raise. I should be happy… but I’m not.

I hate it here. I have no family here, my closest friends are all moving away, and I find myself an outsider from entire culture here. I am a sort of expatriate. It’s pitiful when two attorneys cannot afford to buy a decent starter home for less than nearly half a million dollars. I am stuck in traffic for over 2 hours each day (that’s 40 hours a week!). I pay through the nose for car insurance. We don’t even have renter’s insurance because it’s too damn expensive – and nearly nonexistent.

So, I have flung myself headfirst into relocation efforts. I needed focus, a goal – something attainable. I needed validation that I could achieve something… anything positive. So I sent out resumes, and surprisingly enough – got very positive responses (it pays to be in a quirky area of the law) very quickly from very esteemed firms. Too quickly. So quickly that I hadn’t truly thought through the consequences of this decision, (you mean if I send resumes out – I might have to interview – and maybe MOVE across country???) and to be quite honest – didn’t have my husband’s resounding support and enthusiasm about it. Oh sure, he was vaguely accepting of the idea, but didn’t think it would happen, and certainly not as quickly as it seems to have.

[I just realized this is probably the closest thing emotionally that we will ever feel to an unplanned pregnancy].

So now, I sit – counting the days, quietly sharing my bits of good news with my nearest and dearest friends, and hoping upon every shred of hope that this actually works out. And yesterday, in my blissful state – talking about the reduced cost of living, and what color would I paint the new bedroom, etc. Michael dropped the bomb. “What if you get pregnant between now and then? Then we can’t leave because you won’t have maternity leave, health insurance, or even be entitled to FMLA leave. And since your salary would go down if we moved to location X, you wouldn’t be able to take the extra unpaid leave off you were planning. And you just got a raise. You’d be making about 20% less there.”

We waited for so long to be able to comfortably start trying for a child. We waited until we had insurance (medical, disability & life). We waited until we were out of school, were comfortably settled into a home, and had put in my dues with my job long enough to take maternity leave. And now I must decide – do I go back on birth control? Do I chance getting pregnant? What if it is our only shot? Do I just let go and see what happens?

I spoke to my old neighbor yesterday who had her son only after ovarian drilling for PCOS. She waited for so long for him, and yet – when she asked if anything was new with us (i.e. were we pregnant – she chided – well don’t wait too long! He’s already fifteen months old. We were trying before she was pregnant. She said you’ll never believe how quickly time goes when you are caring for someone, watching them grow up every day before your eyes. She’s right. I wouldn’t believe that time could pass quickly when I have meted out my life in 2 week increments for the last 2 years.

In the nearly two years we have been yearning and trying for a child, this wasn’t the route that I expected to take. Of course, none of the journey thus far has been. So what would you do – would you keep trying, keep hoping? Or would you put this hope for a child aside for another year to eighteen months (about how long I would need to get settled in the new place, and work long enough for FMLA & paid leave)?

I feel like such a fraud.