Wednesday, January 12, 2005


I love my husband more than any other human being on this planet, but that is not to say that I understand him. We cannot move forward with any sort of treatment plan until he goes for a repeat semen analysis. Yet, you would think that I am asking him to singlehandedly find the cure for cancer using a play at home lab set or swim the english channel with his arms and legs bound. Sweet jumping jesus, I'm just asking him to do something that a lot of men would PAY to do. Okay, granted they don't usually do it into a plastic receptacle and race it to a lab of waiting doctors to peer at it under the microscope - but I'm sure there's a fetish for that somewhere. I'll even dress up in a sexy nurse uniform if it would help...

The R.E.'s office is close to my work, but that means it's about 45 min. to an hour from home. The "sample" must reach there within 30 -45 min. Of course, that means that he actually has to AGREE to produce a sample - on a pretty tight schedule. It also means that he can't ejaculate for three days before - so this has to be scheduled. Um, I'm not a man, and I realize it's a little unfair to be asked to perform on a timeline, but I don't really have a lot of options here. And of course, he refuses to do it in their cozy little "porn room" - not that I blame him much on this, but let's face it - for the two of us, sex (even copious amounts of it) is not going to equal a baby. And since we've come to this realization - the opportunities aren't exactly presenting themselves. Nothing is quite as sexy to either of us as feeling broken is it? (EXTREME sarcasm here).

So now he's not sure that he wants to do this. Not just the IUI/IVF option - but parenthood in general. He doesn't understand this void in my heart. He's happy with his life. He doesn't understand the "rush." Rush?!?!?! We've been having unprotected sex for basically the last THREE YEARS. What are we waiting on? It was HIS idea to start trying when we did (in Nov. 2003).

So is he the only one that's going through this wishy washy situation? Do you find your s.o./spouses doing the same? What did you do to get past this? Whenever I just mention sex (even for recreational purposes - bwahahaha - like that happens often) he gets defensive.

I don't want it to be like this.


At 1:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh thank g-d you are here. I commented the other day "just dropping you a line, fellow attorney, yada, yada." Well, I have a great, lovely husband who has been slow to get on the baby wagon, but my incessent need, whining, etc. has finally caught on. Yet he still has this bizarre optimism about conception despite the evidence to the contrary, which includes four years of unprotected sex. I'll see your three years and raise you one. Aaargh. In the last two weeks, I have managed to convince him twice to produce a sample. He apparently does the obvious thing at home but the pressure of it seems to cause things to, uh, fizzle. And fails to produce a testable quantity. Now, not only is he waffling on the baby wagon, he has become phobic about medically required masturbation. Now what? So, for what it's worth, you're not alone, but neither of us is happy.

At 4:35 AM, Blogger ankaisa said...

Men. They're all just big babies. Yes, our treatment was postponed at the beginning because DH could not be persuaded to masturbate at a clinic. Which is nothing compared to what I have to be through in order to get pregnant. Hell, if all it took was to masturbate in a private room, sign me up for it! I'll trade the u/s wand and injections to it any day.

Just keep bugging him. He'll come around eventually. If he really wants kids, that is.

At 11:47 AM, Blogger akeeyu said...

I'm currently in the process of prodding Sam about his *first* SA. I'm trying to be patient. Really.

Every time I try to be understanding about the male ego and the performance anxiety and all that, I just think "Dude, I've been CUT OPEN for the sole purpose of determining my fertility." If I'd had the option of just masturbating in a little room? I would have been all over that.

At 5:21 PM, Blogger Barren Mare said...

Ah, yes, tricky. I confess I will never get what all the drama is about with producing an SA. I'm having a slightly similar problem in that we are having discussions about getting married, which would be necessary in order to adopt as a couple in this country, and he really doesn't want to. I try to apply bald, unemotional logic- sometimes that helps. But it's hard when you are not quite on the same page. Ask him will he still be happy with his life when you both wake up in a few years from now and it's too late.

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Toni said...

I'd definitely have a sit down with him. I think that men are afraid of what they might find out - that there might be something wrong.

But agreeing with Mare, I'd make sure he understands what you want...and what you wanted together...and how important this is to you. And to you as a couple.

If he truely doesn't want children - you'll have to deal with this. But if he's just scared of what the results may say - tell him it's time to grow up.

At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto the other ladies. My DH put it off, put it off, and then delayed it some more! He "found" time for any thing he wanted to do, though. Finally I hit the ceiling and said (not true) that the doctor said they couldn't proceed with me if they didn't have his SA first. This worked, but it made me crazy thinking how he didn't care how much I was going through so long as it didn't affect him. ::whatever:: Afterwards, he gave me grief for THE LONGEST time about "how incredibly embarrassing" it was to come out of the room with a sample and give it to the male attendant--I'm wondering if thought this made him Gay For A Day.

They truly Just Don't Get It. I'd like to say that DH rallied and was great for the pregnancy and the birth, but it wasn't so. He is good with a toddler though, so there is redemption. ;o)


At 2:46 AM, Blogger DeadBug said...

Yep, my husband--as recently as a week ago--reverted to some inane crap along the lines of, "I want you to be happy but I don't really want a kid. I like our life just the way it is." This is just a few days after our first IUI and 1.5 years of trying. He then apologized and changed his tune when I started to LOSE MY MIND with him, but still. As for the tests, luckily for me, he is very compliant, and will make his, erm, deposit in whichever setting he needs to (three different ones so far, and counting...).

Hoping that your husband comes back around and gets with the program post haste.

All the best,

At 12:28 PM, Blogger agness said...

The wishy-washy thing happens here too, though there's been a little less resistance about the s/a. I've heard it all out of the mouth of my guy: "we weren't ready anyway" (right after our m/c was dx), "don't you want to try to have your own" (when our nephew was over), "I would be fine if things stayed as they are"...see he's all over the place but I've heard enough to know that he really does want a kid too, he's just afraid of the kid and the difficulty he might have caused with his vasectomy years ago. Go figure a man without any children would make himself infertile on his own. Well, that was another relationship for him.

With the s/a I just have to cajole him for 3 months each time and then he gets it done. The docs at this clinic have seen us both inside and out now so it's a bit easier. Having your point of entry into the infertility world be a vasectomy reversal sure seems to change the male perspective on the venture.


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