The one where I vomit in my mouth a little...

Today is my great-grandmother's eighty fifth birthday. Crazy huh? That I have a living (and relatively young) great grandmother? She's starting to become more easily confused, and it broke my heart to speak to Granny today - because she was convinced that I had forgotten her birthday.

She gets confused and tends to mix up my stories with my friends, my mom, her friends, etc. It's all so complicated for Granny now to sort out. But she remembered to ask if there was any baby news. Sigh. No... no Gran, there's no baby news. She remembers to ask EVERY SINGLE GOD FORSAKEN TIME I ever talk to her. Oh - but she said, "there is! Lots of wonderful baby news. Everyone's having a baby it seems but you."

Um. thanks. I have two cousins (a brother and sister), neither of whom I'm particularly close too - both of whom have been married around four or five years. I should have seen it coming, I guess. He's a few months younger than me, and he and his wife had been trying for awhile and had two early miscarriages. His sister is about two years younger than us, and has been married a little longer.

They are both pregnant and due within a few weeks of each other. I'm happy for them, honestly. I think they will both make great parents. I'm just devastated that yet another example has hit close to home to remind me that I'm fucked up. I'm broken. I can't have kids and it kills me.

If it wasn't for the fact that she was so incredibly old, and fragile I would have flipped out when she told me that at least they're finally having babies since it seems you're incapable of it. All sorts of women have babies all the time, I don't know what the problem is with you two.

Gah. I started bawling on the phone and told her that I didn't want to talk about it. I've explained to her that we can't. I've explained the treatments, the tests, the heartache of waiting for so long.

It'll be so nice, to finally have a baby around, she said. I've waited so long for you to have a baby, and you're never going to.

Yum, that was the delicious taste of bile rising in the back of my throat.

I tried to change the subject, and when that didn't work, I hung up.