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For those of you that occasionally come back here, you can now follow me in my new life here.

A mother...

After a long, difficult journey - I'm finally a mother.

Julian Randall was born on May 1, 2008 at 11:01 p.m. weighing 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 20 inches long.

My husband Patrick (I'm remarried now) and I are utterly in awe of our son, and I have never felt my heart so full of love.

I used to blog, now I take pictures...

Testing - Testing - 1-2-3...

*clears throat*

I doubt anyone even checks in on this anymore. Nonetheless, here goes...

Things have been rough this past year, to say the least. After much heartache and soul searching M and I decided to split up last fall. The breakdown of the relationship was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with (perhaps even more so because in a lot of ways it was my fault). After first moving to the second bedroom last year, I finally moved out of the house for good early this spring. I'm now living in Chicago. He kept the house and the cats. I took my bed, the china, my car, and my clothes. Both of us took five years of memories that can't be measured with monetary value. I certainly never expected our relationship to end this way. Such is life, I suppose. You'd think two legal people could get through the divorce quickly and efficiently, but that isn't nearly as easy as one would hope. It's pending, expected to be finalized this month I guess. It's a dreadfully painful experience, even when it's what both parties really want.

I miss him. But I firmly believe this is what's best for both of us. I'm starting over. Slowly. Some days are horrifically difficult. But you keep going.

Right now, what helps is my photography. I think I'd like to start blogging again, because I really do miss it. A lot of times the pictures are easier than the words though. This blog isn't the right place for me to pour out my heart and soul though. This chapter in my life is nearing its end, and I feel as if I somehow would be cheapening all that he and I went through together if I put it here. So I guess this is a formal goodbye from here.

Feel free to e-mail me if you'd like to know where the new blog will be.

Happy Holidays

As this holiday season approaches and the new year dawns upon us... I just wanted to wish each of you a warm and merry holiday.

Good tidings to each of you, and may the next year be full of love, laughter, health and good fortune.

And may all your dreams come true, whatever they may be.

Drifting

Thank you, each of you - who've stopped by to say hi. Who've e-mailed, called, IMed, texted - who've kept me in your thoughts.

I'm here. Somewhere, drifting along.

There's a lot going on in my life right now. A lot that I can't talk about, that I don't want to talk about, that I don't want to recognize the reality - the possible finality - of.

I'm spending a lot of time trying to figure things out. Trying to find my way, remembering how to believe. In love, in life, in myself.

My heart is simultaneously overflowing and breaking.

I have to admit that I have been extremely lax about checking in on most of you. I still think of all of you, but right now - I can't check in on you. It's too painful.

I'm sorry.

I will soon, I hope.

Right now, right now just trust you're in my thoughts, in my heart.

And I'm thankful for you.

The Medicine of My People

I am tired of being sick.

I thought the fever was gone on Thursday, by Friday it had spiked up to over 103. I finally let Michael take me to the emergency clinic, and I'm now popping 2000 mg. antibiotic pills that I'm pretty sure were originally designed for ingestion by an animal of the size equivalent to at least a horse.

I'm also now reminded of why I could never be bulimic. I'm also having to down anti-nausea pills to keep the antibiotics down. Oh, and decongestants to break up the stuff in my chest - and I don't know - some other pills - and I'm starting to look like a little old lady with my purse full of pills.

I've slept probably 90% of the day for the last four days, and you know what, I'm tired of sleeping. Sleeping is making me exhausted.

Perhaps the reason I'm still sick is that I haven't had any Campbell's Chicken Soup, Dayquil or Sprite... the medicine of my people.

So, thanks for those of you who've emailed and such to check in on me - I'm here, I'm alive (barely) but I'm here.

Thanks for the input on the cell service. I now have a magenta Razr - with service through T-Mobile.

To Kill a Mockingbird.

There is a mockingbird that has nested directly outside of my bedroom window. Mind you, I'm from Texas, where the mockingbird is revered as the official state bird since 1927. For those of you not from the U.S. or Southern Canada, click here to find out what they look like.

The song of the mockingbird is actually a medley of the calls of many other birds. Each imitation is repeated two or three times, then another song is started, all in rapid succession. It is common for an individual bird to have as many as 25-30 songs in its repertoire, though there are documented cases of a single bird with up to 200 different songs. Mockingbirds are known as fierce protectors of its nest and environment. They are sometimes seen swooping down on a dog, cat or predator that may be venturing too close to the bird's protected territory.

The mimus polyglottos, as the mockingbird is known scientifically, is about ten inches in length, including its relatively long tail. It has a light gray coat and a whitish underside. Its wings and tail are darker gray with white patches.

One of the interesting things about mockingbirds is that they also have the ability to pick up and mimic certain mechanical sounds. Therein lies the trouble. The other day my alarm clock went off, and after hitting the snooze button again and again it wouldn't turn off. Even unplugging it wouldn't make it stop going off. Apparently the mockingbird has picked up the sound of my alarm clock and added it to its playlist.

Male mockingbirds (especially unmated ones) are known to sing through the night, especially during the full moon. I hope whoever is in the tree outside has a female to tell him to shut it.

*sigh*