Friday, October 29, 2004

Slam, Bam, Thank You Ma'am...

Well the R.E. appointment yesterday was the quickest app't that I've ever had. The good patient that I am, I brought in all of my test results from Dr. Relax, and the new doctor, who I will name Dr. Quickie (to be explained momentarily) ruffled through them briefly, but didn't keep them.

Let's just say from the get go that I am not impressed thus far with him. For an initial consultation with a doctor, I would have expected it to last longer than fifteen minutes. I didn't think that he would somehow find a miraculous reason for our infertility in this short period of time, but I sort of hoped I would hear something other than essentialy call me back in 4-6 weeks. WTF? That's two more cycles wasted.

I felt so rushed, I didn't even have the opportunity to ask him any of my questions about the recurrent spotting, etc., which Dr. Relax had previously brushed off and told me that if I ever managed to get pregnant that she would put me on progesterone. (which, according to the studies I have read, if only administered after a pregnancy has been confirmed, is too late).

He said my TSH levels were too high for someone my age, even though they are technically within the "normal" range for women in general (I think they were 3.3 or 3.5), so he ordered another blood draw for that and progesterone, and M. to undergo another S/A. Of course, they want us to use the lab there for the S/A, and the person who performs the S/As is out of the office - on yes, you guessed it - maternity leave - until after Thanksgiving. So, we have to wait for her to get back before he can do the test. Then, depending on the results, we're either doing Clomid/IUI or IVF. I asked about injectibles, but he said that even though I had been on Clomid for 3 months, that due to the fact that I'm young, he's afraid I will overstimulate on injectibles. I wasn't aware that youth had much to do with it. But then again, I went to law school, not med school so I suppose that I should defer to his training and wisdom.

He groaned when he found out that we are both attorneys, and said I was a "HIGH RISK patient", and marked my chart as such. I didn't find it exactly funny.

The good thing is this clinic is very close to my office... but I just feel as if I was just another patient on a conveyor belt. People say attorneys are sharks, but I have to say, Doctors must be a close second.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

To the quick

My first R.E. appt. is in an hour. I am so overwhelmed with nausea. Maybe it's because I've bitten my fingernails down to the "quick". I am so afraid. I was going over my records which I finally had to basically throw a fit for from Dr. Relax. There are so many red flags in there, so many things that should have been addressed so long ago that weren't. Tests taken on the wrong day, warning signs not even discussed with me. I feel betrayed, and like I've wasted almost two years of my life.

God. why. can't. anything. be. easy. just. once.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Macaroni and Diamonds

[While I do not yet have a child, or even one on the way, I wanted to start cataloging my hopes and promises. I want my child(ren) to always know that they were wanted and adored, but also to make sure that I do my very best to shape them, and support them.]

My pledge to you...

I will never forget what it took, and how long we waited, to have you in our lives, and I will always treasure each and every moment with you. Even when those moments are filled with 3 a.m. feedings and colic and dirty diapers. Even when we are staying up late when you break curfew. I will teach you to appreciate architechture, photography, art, and poetry. I will dream with you - about the possibilities that await you, and I will remember with you the lessons of our past. But I will never throw your past decisions back at you, to shame you. I cannot promise to always be there to catch you when you fall, but I will always be supportive and will pick you up and kiss away your tears, be it from learning to walk, falling off a bike, mending a broken heart, or dealing with death.

I will always be willing to color, and will never scold you for going outside of the lines.

Your creativity and happiness is more important than conforming to a set of norms that society, or I, have dictated to you. I will teach you to be tolerant, and to appreciate that our individuality and uniqueness is more important than gender, race, ethnic, or religious bounds. I will encourage you to be a steward, to protect the earth that sustains us. I will teach you to be strong, to stand up for what is right, and to help those that cannot help themselves, even if it means sacrificing something of your own. I will teach you to never give up fighting for what your heart desires. But sometimes, I will have to tell you no. I will teach you to listen to your own voice, and that your opinion counts, no matter the magnitude of the decision. I will help you confront your fears, and scare away the monsters in the closet. And when the boogie men are too frightening for you to take on alone, I will be there to help you. Your fears, no matter what they are, will always be real to me.

I will proudly display crayon scrawled handprint turkeys with the same pride that I would a Renoir or a Picasso.

I will teach you that sometimes, in life, puddles are simply made to jump in… even if you're in your Sunday best. I will be always be a sounding board for you to bounce off your aspirations, your dreams, your plans, your fears. I will teach you how to make informed, intelligent decisions, and I will not judge the solutions or actions you take. I cannot always say that I will agree with you, but I will respect your ability to chart your own path. I will keep your secrets and confidence always safe in my heart. I will tell you every day that you are special and loved.

I will wear macaroni necklaces with the same pride that I would diamonds.

I will always believe in you, even when you are struggling to believe in yourself. I will teach you that love from a parent is unconditional. I will understand when you're 13 and don't want me to drop you off at school, and I will drop you off down the block. I will hopefully impart to you my love of books, and will teach you not to accept something or someone as right or correct just because you're told to. Even if that someone is me.

I will make funny faces and giggle.

I will encourage you to make your own spiritual decisions about what religion and faith mean to you. I will teach you that there are ramifications, both desirable and not, to your actions, and that sometimes the most noble thing to do is simply to admit that you were wrong. And I will do so by example, but that choice to do so for you will always be yours, and yours alone, to make. I will teach you to live life fully, and to be confident enough in your own abilities to take appropriate risks.

Sometimes it will be necessary to eat dessert first.

I will teach you to love the everyday things about life, and to find joy where you least expect it. We may never be rich, but you will be provided with every opportunity to grow and learn that I can manage. Your desires are important, but I cannot promise that I can fulfill them. But, I will always find a way to make sure your needs are taken care of. I will whisper lullabies to you, and sing with you loudly and off-key as the situation warrants.

I will never tire of you asking "why?".

And I do not want you to accept "Because I said so" as a valid explanation. I want you to be inquisitive. I will not be angry when I find frogs in your pocket, although I cannot promise that I won't scream. I will teach you that money is not the true indicator of achieving success. I will understand your need for privacy, but understand that I will weigh it against my need to keep you safe. I will encourage you to find your niche in life by doing something that you are passionate about, even if it's not something that I would have picked for you.

You will always have a home in my heart, and there will never be a time that you are too big for me to rock to sleep.

I will take you to museums. I will teach you that it is just as critical to your career to be nice to the cleaning staff as it is to the CEO. I will treat crayon marks on the wall, muddy footprints, and grey hairs as a reminder of how lucky I am to have you in my life. I will teach you that a formal education is vitally important, but equally so is "street smarts" and life experience. I will teach you to love to travel, and to learn from those that are different than you. When you dye your hair green and pierce strange body parts, I will not get angry and I will not laugh. Well, at least I won't laugh in your face. I might have to chuckle a little.

I will love you for who you are, and will expect you to not try to be anyone else.

I will not compare you to others. If, and when, you fall in love, I will love them regardless of the color of their skin, or how much money they make, or what sex they are, as long as they are good to you. I will teach you the importance of friendship and loyalty, but of the greater need to be true to and love yourself. I will love you past the confines of life and death, with all that I am.

Friday, October 15, 2004

New Beginnings

Well, M. and I have done some serious talking about relocation, and believe that we may have come up with an answer.... Kansas City. He's from there, and although he hasn't lived there since high school, we're familiar with the area, his mom lives there, and bluntly put, the cost of living is dramatically different (cheaper) than it is here. If I rush to get my application in, I could still skip the multistate portion of the bar if I took it in Feb.

Of course, we're not making any sudden moves, as I want to make sure that we have the ability to transfer to a decent firm. But I'm excited. And during Thanksgiving, while we're there, we're planning on scoping out the neighborhoods, and trying to get a feel for where exactly we want to be.

On the infertility front, I called a few R.E.s in the area today to try to get in. I'm tired of dealing with my GYN's office, as they don't seem to really care that this is taking so long. "Just relax". Um. hello. you are the doctor. you figure out what's wrong with me.

I am so happy it's Friday. I feel like the end isn't here yet. I'm not ready to give up fighting.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Vacation... all I ever wanted...

O.k., sorry for the singing of bad 80s music. Be glad you can't hear me. Singing is not one of my strong suits.

One of my only regrets about M. starting to work so suddenly is that we haven't had the opportunity to go on our annual vacation. We were honestly too tightly strapped this summer to go and I was swamped at work and he was studying for the bar, and then we had the hurricane business which sort of put us out of commission. I was hoping that we'd be able to go this month, but I had no idea he'd be starting to work so soon.

So my question to each of you - if you only had a weekend (maybe a long weekend) to go somewhere, where would you go?

We're big on little trips - and in the last oh year and a half or so we've been to: Seattle (beautiful... just breathtaking in the spring), Phoenix & other parts of Arizona (I saw my first snowfall there), Vermont/New Hampshire/Maine (I'd move to Burlington if it wasn't so damn cold), and Montreal, and I had a quick trip to Chicago (I'd move there too but then again, it's too cold). He's travelled a great deal in the continental U.S. (much more so than I have), but neither of us have really been out of the States much.

M's brother is studying outside of Paris, and we're planning a trip to France in the Spring, but he won't really have vacation time until the new year. So - I thought we could have a few excursions between now and then. We're going to be in Kansas City for Thanksgiving, and Dallas for Christmas, both for much overdue visits to family, but I want some more exciting trips - for just us.

I'm trying to surprise him too, because his 41st birthday is in early Jan., and to be honest, he got screwed on his 40th (well...actually, no - he didn't....). I wasted a few hours today looking at different websites, trying to get ideas. As I'd like to be able to make it up to him, now that we can.

We love good beer/breweries, wine, photography, architecture, museums, etc. There are some amazing deals right now to London on Virgin or British Airways, but - is this really feasible for a weekend trip? Does anyone have any great ideas? Great places to be for just a weekend? Travel time isn't really important. We've been known to drive 2+ hours just for dinner (at Blue Heaven in Key West) when the mood strikes... and we're close to 3 fairly large airports, so finding flights isn't too bad.

Mounting frustration

It's been a frustrating week. Work is just horrid this week, well, the lack of work rather is driving me mad. We're really slow right now, and unfortunately I know it's going to pick up like nobody's business in a few days, but god it makes the days go by slowly.

I have been calling my doctor's office since last Thurs. to get an appt. for an annual and a check up to see where to go to from here. I've been leaving messages ad infinitum and thus far have gotten absolutely no response. I realize Mon. was Columbus Day (o.k. I just realized that) and that they were closed, but damn it - I want someone to pay attention to me!!!! Gah.

M. was offered a job, finally - after much nail biting and tenseness - on Friday, which is incredibly welcome news. It's a small firm, but it looks like he's going to be working with some really great people, and will be getting great experience. His commute will be half of what mine is, but unfortunately so will his pay. I say unfortunate, because to tell the truth - I couldn't give a rat's ass how much he makes. Being happy is far better than being rich in my book. And while the salary isn't shameful by any stretch of the imagination, it's certainly less than he's worth. But they are making other concessions to him... including a car and cell phone allowance, bonus structure, etc. so maybe it will all work out o.k. for him. More than anything I just want him to be happy. I miss seeing his smile.

But when I saw how happy he was, a little part of me lit up inside. I feel like I'm getting my "boy" back. After all his stress and frustration of looking for work, day in and day out, it's over now... it all worked out. Maybe not the way that we had planned, but nonetheless. I just hope that other things in life pan out as well.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Hopes dashed

Well, it didn't happen. The funny thing is, I'm not that upset about it really. There were no tears, no racking sobs. A little disappointment, but nothing too terrible. I'm just sort of at a strange place, where I'm not sure what to do. The doctor only wanted me to do three months on clomid, and those done now, well, I don't know where to go to from here. I don't like not having a plan of some sort.

I guess it's time to call the doctor and schedule some appointments.


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

When all is revealed by sadistic dental hygenists

Most people hate the dentist, but not me. No I'm one of those sickos that if I could have our insurance pay for a monthly cleaning, I would. I literally sit and suck on my teeth all day after they have been nice and cleaned. It's wonderful.... it feels so good. However, this time, I was assaulted by perhaps the most sadistic dental hygenist ever, who took great delight in making sure I was squiriming in the chair... writhing in pain. But the best (or worst) part - my conversation with her.

SDH (sadistic dental hygenist): So, has anything changed since your last visit medically?
A: Uh, no.
SDH: Open and say ahhh.
A: ahhhh.
SDH: Wow... you sure you aren't telling me that anything has changed?
A: (thinking to self - shit - have I contracted some sort of terrible mouth fungus? Do I have pulsating algae growing on my teeth? I did brush before I came here, right? Even flossed, I think. Wait, did I?) Uh.. no, nothing's changed.
SDH: (giggle) are you pregnant?
A: uh. no. pretty definite on that one (thinking, wow, these pants do make me look fat. CD 28, and a big snowy white FRE HPT this morning make me pretty sure that it's a resounding no.)
SDH: I wouldn't be so sure... you have "pregnant mouth"
A: No, seriously, o.k. I'm not.
SDH: We'll just have to see now won't we? You have "pregnant mouth"... I know.
A: No, my gums are just pissed off, like the rest of me.

And on the way home I cursed this woman, for giving me uncalled for hopeful thoughts. I cursed her because I wanted to believe that I had "pink in the sink" this past week because I have some sort of horrible mutating genetic disorder, not because I might be *GASP* knocked up.

So today, on CD 29, I sit pensively waiting...

Friday, October 01, 2004

Up close and personal

Seeing Sen. John Kerry last night, up close and personal, was definitely the highlight of my week. M. and I went to the post-debate Kerry rally, and we ended up with crappy seats - in the nosebleed section. Then, immediately before John Cougar Mellencamp started his little concert, they moved us down to the floor, maybe twenty feet from where he was standing. It was pretty cool. Some guy standing directly to my right screamed out "I love you" to him, and Sen. Kerry shouted back, "I love you, too". It was a lot of fun, save for the 400 pound woman who stomped on my toe, causing my entire toenail to become black.

But overall, it left me slightly uplifted about his chances in this election, and if nothing else, I'd like to get the name of his dentist, because I've never seen teeth that white.