Monday, November 29, 2004


It had snowed close to eight inches in KC when we got in on Wed. Everything was beautiful and white... and the trees sparkled like they were adorned with diamonds. It was absolutely breathtaking. Then it got gross and sludgy, but I still thoroughly enjoyed it - aside from getting pelted with a very wet snowball. Oh, and heavy drinking and icy steep driveways are not v. fun. Trust me. They do make dealing with in laws more tolerable though. There was barbecue, real corn-fed steaks and Boulevard Unfiltered Wheat a go-go. I think I gained probably a good five or so pounds.

We strolled through the parks, where roses were still blooming through the snow, holding hands, and spent most of the day looking at neighborhoods. Big stately tudors with leaded glass windows. Two and three stories weathered homes adorned with Christmas lights. I want to move here. People were out walking their dogs, and pushing strollers, and it was so - pleasant. I actually wasn't sad about not having a baby, but was sort of inspired - look - this is what we could have. A house like this, a dog like this, a family like this. My heart was just swimming with love for him the entire time.

We went to a Kansas State basketball game in Manhattan, and then drove back and had dinner and drinks in Lawrence. I watched the cattle in the fields as we were driving, and just enjoyed being together.

We had a few minor riffs with his mom while we were there, but nothing too dramatic. If she wasn't there, he would be much more apt to move there. But, I'm working on him.

Last night when we got home, I must have watched about 5 episodes of Soap. Why aren't sitcoms now funny like that? I have our tree mostly up, and the cats thoroughly enjoyed the giant piles of newspaper to jump in (that the ornaments were cushioned with).

Then I got to work, and realized that today is CD 27. Wow. I honestly hope this month, that I'm not pregnant (fat chance that I am considering we basically missed out on ovulation week) because as much wine and beer and drinks that I had, the kid would be pickled.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Baby it's cold outside....

O.k. well it's not really cold here, not even cool. Even by my standards high 70s/ low 80s is not cool. And considering that the neighbors across the way already have their Christmas tree up, it's a little bizarre.

We're leaving tomorrow a.m. for Kansas City, and apparently there's talk of snow. This is slightly problematic as I do not own a coat. So tonight, I am forced to try to find something suitable. I have lived here long enough now that temperatures under 75 send me looking for a sweater.

M. has been in trial all day and is pissed because he has a million things to do before we leave, and is upset because he's going to have to bring a ton of work with him on the trip. I have due diligence work* on a stock purchase deal to bring with me and a 60+ page employee benefit plan document to draft. So it looks like we'll be having a gigantic box of documents travelling with us and two laptops. How festive... He wants to cancel the trip, but we have only been there once in a year (for a funeral), and his mother would FLIP the fuck out if we did.

This is the woman who demanded, the first year we were married, for us to be at her house for Christmas day. Mind you, she's Jewish. My family is Southern Baptist and about 40 people were coming over for Christmas dinner. But we went to Kansas City instead of Dallas, and had Chrisnukah and sat around the "Hannukah bush" opening presents. I love her - a lot, but she is difficult at times.

His follow up S/A is the monday after Thanksgiving, so the doctor told us to be sure that M. "enjoys Thanksgiving... a grrreeeat deal." (nudge nudge, wink wink) If you hear of two attorneys being arrested for getting it on in a teeny tiny rental car, someone come please bail us out. Because well, that would be bad m'kay...

Happy thanksgiving to all of you. While we may not have our health or wealth or just the barest remnants of sanity left - we still have a lot this year to be thankful for. We have love. We have a roof over our heads, and food (the more chocolate the better) in our poochy non-pregnant bellies. We have wit and snarkiness, and the best of all - we have the support of many other half crazed cranky amazing women who are going through what we are.

Thank you, each of you, for reminding me that the support and love of friends and total strangers is definitely something to be thankful for this year.

* Due diligence work, for those of you who are not familiar - essentially entails looking for a needle in a hay stack. It consists of going through boxes of documents and identifying any "potential issues" - like I know what those are. While it's great for the billable hour requirements, it's shit work, and is usually only assigned to the most junior associates (i.e. me). So how multi-million dollar deals rest on our shoulders is beyond me, but then again - a lot of things are.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Tra lala alla lalalaaaaaaaaaa

I'm going to a special showing of Madama Butterfly this evening with my husband. While I was thoroughly impressed that he knew the story line, M's not exactly happy about going. I mean, after all, it is opera. To be honest, I'm not that huge of a fan either, but I just want the distraction... the willing suspension of disbelief. Just not thinking. Not hurting.

Today, I received a random email from my ex husband. Every time I hear from him the wound just gets ripped open again. His son is 17 mos. old. He and his wife are planning another one soon. He asked when M. and I would finally have one.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to hurl things in my office. I wanted to scratch out my eyes.


I still don't understand. Why wasn't I good enough? Why is she?

I just want M. and I to have the happiness of hearing the patter of little feet. I want us to have to clean sticky jam handprints off the refrigerator and sing lullabies and kiss skinned knees.

You know. Perhaps Madama Butterfly wasn't the best option for the evening's entertainment.

Friday, November 12, 2004

un-fucking-believable. - Great-grandmother set to deliver twins - Nov 12, 2004

I am going to be ill. Seriously.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Timing the Fertile Period of the Bitch

The R.E.'s office called today with my blood work from last cycle (of course, this info is pretty moot considering that I'm now on Day 9 of a new cycle. I suppose I wouldn't have had the results at all if I hadn't called.

So they actually returned my call today, and told me the results were "normal." Oh sure, that conclusion may work for normal people, but not me. I ask for the numbers, and she was like "um, I don't know - they're just normal." Um. No. That is not an acceptable answer. So when she actually goes to get the chart, I'm trying to figure out if I can write on the windshield - while driving - with lipstick perhas? - to get the numbers. And no, I didn't have the opportunity to write them down, but I *think* she said the TSH is down to a 1.9 from the 3.5. But the progesterone was the kicker. 20.3 on an unmedicated cycle. (doing little non-pregnant but at least I am ovulating dance). The highest the level I've had before in the past was on clomid at 9.8. I still don't understand the super short cycle with a level that "good" other than perhaps I ovulated early?

Who knows? I just know that I'm incredibly happy that something is looking up. Next stop... repeat S/A for M. He is *so* thrilled. bwhahahahahahaha.

[Oh, and the title is in homage to the first website that popped up when I went to google the prog. results this afternoon. Somewhere, some poor dog is out there being analyzed for fertility. I feel her pain. My doctor has a hard enough time figuring out when I'm in "heat."]

Monday, November 08, 2004

Gifts from the heart

Reader participation kindly requested...

I grew up horribly poor. At about age 11, I went to live with my maternal great grandparents (ironic isn't it, how I still have living great grandparents? I come from a long line of early, and apparently easy 'breeders'), and perhaps four months after I moved in with them my "Papaw" as I called him, died suddenly of advanced colon cancer and lymphoma. He went in for a checkup at the doctor's office for unexplained bleeding, and just never came home. He was the sole breadwinner in the family, and he left only enough money in the bank to pay the monthly bills, no life insurance, no savings, nothing. He was a mechanic with a sixth grade education, and we were left literally penniless. A lot of people and organizations came out of the woodwork to help us stay above water. Strange people I didn't know bought me a winter coat and new shoes, and delivered heaps of clothes and toiletries to our house. We depended on food stamps and church handouts just to eat. And, even though we had nothing, those are some of the best memories I have of childhood. My "Granny" and I had each other, and thankfully a roof over our head and food in the pantry.

When M. and I got married, we were both students. We had moved into a rental house that we really couldn't afford, and were struggling financially. We saved and bought cheap Christmas gifts for our families, but didn't purchase any material item for each other. Instead, we drove a little out of the way during our trip home, and stayed at a cheap B&B in New Orleans and just walked around the streets, holding hands, and people watching. That evening was one of my favorite times we've had together.

Last year was better financially for us, and this year I can say that we are definitely considered to be in the "middle class" even if our collective student loans rival mortgage payments on a stately home. We have the opportunity this year to lavish each other with expensive gifts, but I want something more (or I suppose I should say less).

I want to get him something thoughtful, something amazing... which shows him how special he is to me, and not just how much money I can spend. M's birthday is immediately after christmas, so I have double gift duty coming up. For his 40th, I tried to look up random people he has known from high school through his doctoral studies and have them send in a "memory page" that I wanted to have bound in a book. It didn't pan out exactly as I would have hoped, because I just couldn't find a lot of people, but it was still well received. It meant a tremendous amount to him, and it didn't cost me much at all, other than lost billable hours, and let's be honest, what's more important?

But apparently that little project utlized all my creative ideas. So, I'm asking you to share, what has been the most meaningful gift someone has given you (or you have given someone)? While I certainly love hearing about sparkly diamond tennis bracelets, I am really looking for ideas regarding gifts that weren't necessarily expensive or even store bought, but that were from the heart (not that expensive gifts aren't - but I hope you know what I mean).

[And of course, if anyone has unique ideas for a baseball fanatic fishing attorney who likes microbrews and college football, please feel free to pass that along as well...]

[And yes, I think we all know what I would like to give him, more than anything this year, but there are some things that no matter how much I wish for, or how much money I spend, just don't seem to be on Santa's list of feasible options this Christmas.]

Friday, November 05, 2004

somewhere i have never travelled

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

From Complete Poems: 1904-1962 by E. E. Cummings, edited by George J. Firmage

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for uplifting me and encouraging me. Thank you for reminding me that there's someone else who is there, and going through what I am.

The voice of your collective eyes, is deeper than all roses.

I am not alone. Thank you for helping me through a very depressing very rough patch.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Comfortably Numb


Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
The summary: Trick 1 Treat 0.

Well, my blasted period started last night, meaning that I had a 24 day cycle. WTF? I understand that it was an unmedicated cycle, but jumping jesus on a pogo stick how ridiculous can this get? I've never had a cycle this short.

I'm not really that verklempt, just sort of dumbfounded. The worst part is, I feel incredibly lonely and lost. I feel like it's never going to happen for us. And angry. Mostly angry, partially defective. But, mostly angry.

A friend was over last night, and M. and I were talking about different houses we've looked at , and she innocently commented that we need to find something that's at least 4 bedrooms, to provide for the nursery/kids rooms. I just snorted... "what for? It's not like we're going to ever have kids." And in my heart, I'm starting to believe it.

If you read my paltry little blog, and can look past my blatant Pink Floyd and Dead Milkmen references, I would really appreciate just a "nod." Tell me what you listen to, how you distract yourself when you're pissed off. Tell me a joke, make me laugh. I'm feeling really alone. And that's my deepest, darkest fear... being alone. It's my own personal version of hell.