Sunday, November 13, 2005

The "Hypothetical" and getting far too ahead of myself

Yesterday I was craving fried chicken something fierce. We didn't have anything planned for the day, other than the excitement of cleaning house, so we decided to head to my favorite restaurant that specializes in chicken. Oh, and did I mention that the restaurant is 220 miles away, one way? And when we drove all the way down there we found out the damn restaurant had burned down? Thankfully for us, they had another restaurant a few miles away... so I was still able to imbibe in the goodness of panfried chicken, fried okra and homemade chunky mashed potatoes.

On the rather lengthy car ride down, Michael and I spoke in depth about the "Hypothetical" as we have taken to referring to the possibility. The doctor's office is having me come in a week from Wednesday to have a beta done before the Thanksgiving holiday. As soon as we leave the doctor's office, we will be driving down to Dallas to spend the holiday weekend with my family. We will have the results at some point on Wednesday before we get there.

If this works (and I realize that as naive as I am, that this is an incredibly big "if") it would be the first grandchild in the family, and since I rarely see my parents, I'd like to be able to tell them about it in person. I want them to be able to participate in it from the beginning. Then, there is the partof me that is so fraid. I have seen so many of you suffer such unspeakable heartache through miscarriage that I don't want the pain and burden of 'untelling' my parents if ncecssary.

What would you do? Assuming it is good news (an assumption I am nearly too afraid to even speak of) would you share it with those that you love? Even so soon? If so, how would you do it?

16 Comments:

At 6:01 PM, Blogger Nico said...

That's a tough one. I think it depends on your relationship with your parents / family - would you want their support if you had to untell? Or would you rather they not know? I'm going to tell my family early, if I ever get to that point, because I definitely would want them to help me get through any loss. And I also would want them to share in the excitment from the get go as well.

But I may eat those words if any of those things ever happen to me.

 
At 6:14 PM, Blogger twirl said...

I would tell my mom (but not extended family) early for the same reasons you mentioned (not seeing her often and wanting to do so in person.) Also, like Nico said before me, I'd want the support if something bad did happen later.

I'm no good at keeping big stuff from my mom anyway!

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger Lindy said...

I've told my parents about both of my pregnancies (the successful one and the unsuccessful one) immediately - with all of the requisite disclaimers about how early it was, etc., of course.

It's a tough call. I think the other ladies are right that you just have to think about whether you'd want them to know if you suffered a loss. In the case of the unsuccessful pregnancy, I think I did regret telling our parents so early. H. did the untelling for me, but it was still very hard to talk to them for the first time after getting the news. And there wasn't really anything they could say to make me feel better. But of course, in the case of the successful pregnancy, I was glad to be able to share the news with them and to let them in on the big secret while we waited for a few months to tell anyone else.

It just completely depends on your relationship with your parents.

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger DD said...

You will know what to do when the time comes. This is not a situation that you can ever properly prepare for. I'm wishing for only the best for you.

 
At 7:46 PM, Anonymous statia said...

Ok. First. You drove 220 miles one way for fried chicken? That had better be the best damn chicken ever.

Second, it really depends on close you are with your family. If they know what you're going through, then having them there for your support should the unthinkable happen, might be more helpful for you. I never told my mother about my first miscarriage, hell, I didn't even tell her about any of what I was going through(I haven't talked to my family in about four years, save for the strained conversations here and there). My mil knew about our pregnancy/miscarriage in march. In a way it was helpful, but at the same time, I felt like I should have just kept my mouth shut. My mil is a great person, but I think she's afraid of being a burden.

 
At 10:09 PM, Anonymous mm said...

I would wait to tell, but then again I'm psychotically private (um, except for the fact that I have a blog). Best of luck w. your beta!!! My fingers are crossed for you.

 
At 10:45 PM, Anonymous Dooneybug said...

That's a hard one isn't it? We waited until 10 weeks after we had an ultrasound so we knew what was what. But that was just us. It's completely up to how comfortable you feel about the situation.

I'm crossing my fingers for you and hope this is IT!!

 
At 10:46 PM, Blogger Donna said...

You'll know what to do when the time comes. Right now you just concentrate on doing whatever it is your body is supposed to be doing right now! (I don't know what that is, obviously.)

 
At 11:58 PM, Blogger Lisa P. said...

I don't regret telling my parents either time we were pregnant. Although we did wait until six weeks, both times, not that it mattered but we were trying to be a little cautious. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't think that telling would be all that bad -- just consider if the support would be a help to you should the unthinkable happen, which for me it was.

 
At 5:30 AM, Blogger Stephanie G said...

I would absolutely share! :-) I've always told from the very beginning. I have NO IDEA what I would have done after my m/c's if my family and friends hadn't been there to offer support. And they couldn't exactly offer support if they hadn't known... :-)

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger Dee said...

After our first pg, we told all of our family and close friends. When it ended at 7 weeks, it was hard for me knowing we'd have to untell everyone (A handled the task). But I will say that it was nice to have everyone's support during that difficult time.

The second time, we waited until the 12 week mark to tell everyone (we told only two or three close friends before then). I was just so afraid we'd have to untell everyone again and if there was one thing I didn't want, it was any more pity. Thankfully we didn't need it as le bebe stuck around and graced us with her presence 6 months later.

Looking back on it (or if it ever happens again for us in the future), I think we'd keep the news to ourselves again for the first trimester. And it really was kind of nice having such a delicious secret between just the two of us.

No matter when you tell them, they'll be beside the moon with happiness and excitement for the two of you.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger Calliope said...

Crossing fingers for a ginourmous beta #!!
As for the telling - I think you should only tell those that could support you if "untelling" (heaven forbid) happens.

 
At 10:38 AM, Anonymous Jenn said...

I've had two pregnancies and two losses and we told our family immediately each time. No regrets. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again, we'll tell them again. I needed the support of my family when I miscarried. To me, not telling wasn't an option.

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger Mrs. T said...

I have no patience and when my day comes, I'm sure I would tell them right away especially if I was seeing them in person and don't normally. I'm sure you will decide completely after you find out the results and it will be the right decision for you. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger daysgoby said...

We each picked two people. Having my mom and my brother (and dh's sisters) know was enough. Everyone else knew as soon as we weren't scared anymore.
And it helped my mom (who lives three thousand miles away) feel a part of it all, knowing that she had 'privileged' information.

 
At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Lori said...

I would share the good news. I miscarried at 5 weeks and had only told my best friend. We were just about to tell our parents when I started losing it. In the end it made me sad that my pregnancy had only been celebrated by 1 person other than J and I. For everyone else, my pregnancy was bad news as it was news of my miscarriage. It's hard to mourn something you never got to celebrate. I say go for it!

 

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