Friday, November 18, 2005

Hung in my throat.

Trying so hard not to give up hope.

spotting. 8 DP IUI.

Trying so very hard.

updated - Well, last night I was just barely spotting - internally. Sort of a light pinkish color. This morning, it's red. Bright red.

I knew it would happen... that it wouldn't work. I knew it deep down in my heart. What devastates me is that it's only 8-9 days after the IUI and I'm on 400 mg. a day of fucking prometrium. I thought that was supposed to make this not happen? I thought that would help. After having all those eggs, after all the shots, after all the pills... I at least wanted something akin to a normal cycle for length. Granted, I usually have a short luteal phase (around 11-12 days) but 9? How is it possible that all this medical help just caused to make the situation worse? There are just no words to describe how incredibly broken and worthless I feel.

None.

None.

35 Comments:

At 11:24 PM, Blogger Nico said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I'm hoping like the blazes that it's the fabled implantation spotting and not the Bitch. My thoughts are with you, no matter what happens.

 
At 11:36 PM, Blogger daysgoby said...

Oh, April, oh no.

Thinking of you and hoping...

 
At 7:56 AM, Anonymous b said...

April, I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger Spanglish said...

You're on my mind. I wish I knew something more comforting to say.

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Cricket said...

April, I'm so sorry. It's that conspiracy thing. I hope you crack it.

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Nico said...

Crap. Fucking crap. I am so incredibly sorry that this didn't work for you.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger DD said...

I wish I had the words to give you some comfort, but I have none as well. Oh, dammit...

 
At 9:57 AM, Anonymous Lori said...

If only I had some magic words to take away that broken and worthless feeling. I'm so sorry.
But I'm still holding out some hope for you.

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger Calliope said...

so so so sorry. (((hugs)))

 
At 10:17 AM, Anonymous Jenn said...

At the risk of blowing sunshine around-I spotted around 8-9DPO and got pregnant. Didn't last long, but at least a step in the right direction. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

 
At 12:33 PM, Anonymous Wavery said...

With you no matter what.

 
At 12:39 PM, Anonymous Alexa said...

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I am so sorry April. I wish there was something I could do! I am thinking of you.

 
At 12:49 PM, Anonymous wessel said...

Jenn is right--you don't exactly know what this means yet. Possibly a late implantation? Possibly you are one of those women who normally gets spotting in early pregnancy?

As for why periods can come earlier on a medicated cycle--that seems to happen to me too, and I have no idea why. Very frustrating. If that is what is happening, then I'm so sorry. Do you take your temps in the morning? I know many people, including RE's, pooh pooh this, but I have been doing it for 4 years now and regardless of whether I am on prometrium or not, my temps are always high if I am pregnant, and always low if I am not. That is my little extra clue that helps me to figure things out when the signs are ambiguous.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

unfortunately, internet hugs aren't as soft and warm as real-life ones. (((hugs))).

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger Millie said...

I"m also hoping it's implantation spotting or just spotting and stays that way. So sorry.

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger Lisa P. said...

Hoping that it's just implantation spotting. I understand the need to not hold out hope though so let us do it for you.

 
At 2:02 PM, Anonymous statia said...

I'm so sorry April. Take some time to pamper yourself and do for you ok?

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Whatever happens we are with you. That's all.

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Lindy said...

Well... 8dpIUI wouldn't even really be "late" implantation. It would me more like "right on time" implantation.

I'm not counting you out just yet.

I'm so sorry you're in limbo, April. It just sucks.

 
At 4:35 PM, Anonymous Mary Scarlet said...

Still holding out hope for some good news, but mostly wishing there was a way to make it better for you. I am so sorry.

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger Vacant Uterus said...

Oh, my dear. I'm so very sorry. I hope you are wrong about it not working but if not...I'm still so very sorry. hugs to you.

 
At 12:51 AM, Blogger MC said...

So sorry April. I'm hoping implantation spotting.

 
At 1:31 AM, Blogger Summer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 1:32 AM, Blogger Summer said...

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm so sorry, April. Even if this is implantation spotting or "normal" spotting in early pregnancy, it sucks to have to go through something like this. I'm so sorry.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger Mrs. T said...

Thinking of you and hoping...

 
At 2:59 PM, Anonymous thalia said...

I'm so sorry april. No one deserves this kind of stress. I hope it wasn't what it looked like, but if it was my heart goes out to you. Well, I'm thinking about you either way. You have all my hope right now, and my thoughts and my sympahy.

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger deanna said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this kind of disappointment and pain....I'm hoping with everyone else that all this turns out to be something else entirely.

Thinking of you.......

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger daysgoby said...

Thinking of you today.

 
At 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, fuck! So sorry...

Patti
http://redvelvetcake.typepad.com/maternal_instinct

 
At 7:32 PM, Blogger Toni said...

April - I'm hoping that it's nothing. Crossing fingers...have you tested yet??

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger Anna said...

I'm also really hoping it's implantation bleeding. I pray that you'll be okay and this all turns out fine. I would be so happy for this to work for you. I'm keeping everything crossed. Please keep us posted, you'll be in my mind.

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Dee said...

Thinking of you my friend and thinking only good thoughts.

 
At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Molly said...

Shit. Oh, I'm so sorry.

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger Blue said...

Oh April, I am so sorry! I still have so much hope for you. Keeping you in my thoughts.

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger Squeege's Mom said...

I just searched implantation bleeding on Google, and your blog came up. I'm 9 DPO right now, and I'm praying that this is just that little baby getting comfy for the next nine months. My husband and I have been trying for our second for over a year, and it's so discouraging to get those negative pregnancy tests. I also wanted to let you know that your Macaroni and Diamonds post is now in my purse and on my fridge. You put into writing what I have always envisioned for my family- thank you. It's a shame that mothers like you are still waiting for their babies. I'm thinking of you!

 

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