Resigned.... well, mostly.

I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this cycle didn't work. And to tell you the truth, if it hasn't - I'm o.k. with that. Really. I just hate this not knowing. The wait is far harder for me than it would be to have negative results. We have been waiting for so long that another month - hell another year - is just another drop in the bucket.

Logically, I know that it's too soon to have symptoms (I'm on CD 19, 6 DPIUI) assuming the "hypothetical" happened. As of yesterday evening, the swelling was down quite a bit and I could bend and twist and - it didn't hurt! This morning however I woke up and felt like I had been run over by a semitruck.

The progesterone is having some not so nice side effects on me. Please god if you know me don't read any further. If you're the person who's reading (often) from Miami or Nashvegas - I would really appreciate it if you could drop an e-mail to let me know who you are. I'm starting to wig out a little that you're family who has unsuspectingly stumbled here. And I'd really like to not have to start self-editing. Or worse, to be forced to take the site down completely. But this is really not sanctioned for family friendly reading.

No really. If you know me, now is a good time to stop reading. Seriously.

My nipples are on constant alert now. Like most redheads, I have incredibly fair skin - and my breasts right now are a roadmap of blue veins more convoluted and criss crossed than the LAX or DC area highways. My breasts are hard and heavy and I've gone up nearly a cup size already. I shudder to think what it's going to be like by the time I finish the pills I have left to take.

My intestines are on strike. But sometimes they decide suddenly that they're not and they are cranky. Or maybe they are. They can't decide what to do. And we won't even speak of the issues with gas. I feel so horrible for people with IBS or Crohn's because this is the closest I have ever felt to hell.

And everything smells. I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell as it is, but now I can smell milk souring in the refrigerator two houses down.

My face has decided to break out in constellations of zits so painful that they woke me up in the middle of the night. I never really had bad skin as a teen, so this is somewhat new to me.

And I'm sleepy. Really really sleepy. I'm sleeping a good 8-13 hours a night. Hard. And everyday I'm tempted to shut the door to my office and take a cat nap each afternoon. But when I'm asleep, I have the most bizarre, vivid whacked out epic length dreams that I've ever had in my entire life. And um, they're often about sex. Really dirty sex.

Oh, and when I do belch (which is too often for my dainty self to admit) often bile rises in the back of my throat and I have that moment of - oh god - am I going to hurl?

I've suddenly developed an unexplainable affinity for beef jerky, or really any meat for that matter. And normally, I would be quite happy with vegetarian fare. Not so much anymore. Have I mentioned that beef jerky normally would make me ill to just contemplate?

So yeah, to sum it up the hormones have made a greasy, pimply, obscenely gassy, perverted fat truck driver with acid reflux and an affinity for slim jims. I know you're jealous.

So anyway, I'm resigned to the fact that this didn't work. Which is going to suck considering the joyous goings on of my body for the last week. All this for nothing.