Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Resigned.... well, mostly.

I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this cycle didn't work. And to tell you the truth, if it hasn't - I'm o.k. with that. Really. I just hate this not knowing. The wait is far harder for me than it would be to have negative results. We have been waiting for so long that another month - hell another year - is just another drop in the bucket.

Logically, I know that it's too soon to have symptoms (I'm on CD 19, 6 DPIUI) assuming the "hypothetical" happened. As of yesterday evening, the swelling was down quite a bit and I could bend and twist and - it didn't hurt! This morning however I woke up and felt like I had been run over by a semitruck.

The progesterone is having some not so nice side effects on me. Please god if you know me don't read any further. If you're the person who's reading (often) from Miami or Nashvegas - I would really appreciate it if you could drop an e-mail to let me know who you are. I'm starting to wig out a little that you're family who has unsuspectingly stumbled here. And I'd really like to not have to start self-editing. Or worse, to be forced to take the site down completely. But this is really not sanctioned for family friendly reading.

No really. If you know me, now is a good time to stop reading. Seriously.

My nipples are on constant alert now. Like most redheads, I have incredibly fair skin - and my breasts right now are a roadmap of blue veins more convoluted and criss crossed than the LAX or DC area highways. My breasts are hard and heavy and I've gone up nearly a cup size already. I shudder to think what it's going to be like by the time I finish the pills I have left to take.

My intestines are on strike. But sometimes they decide suddenly that they're not and they are cranky. Or maybe they are. They can't decide what to do. And we won't even speak of the issues with gas. I feel so horrible for people with IBS or Crohn's because this is the closest I have ever felt to hell.

And everything smells. I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell as it is, but now I can smell milk souring in the refrigerator two houses down.

My face has decided to break out in constellations of zits so painful that they woke me up in the middle of the night. I never really had bad skin as a teen, so this is somewhat new to me.

And I'm sleepy. Really really sleepy. I'm sleeping a good 8-13 hours a night. Hard. And everyday I'm tempted to shut the door to my office and take a cat nap each afternoon. But when I'm asleep, I have the most bizarre, vivid whacked out epic length dreams that I've ever had in my entire life. And um, they're often about sex. Really dirty sex.

Oh, and when I do belch (which is too often for my dainty self to admit) often bile rises in the back of my throat and I have that moment of - oh god - am I going to hurl?

I've suddenly developed an unexplainable affinity for beef jerky, or really any meat for that matter. And normally, I would be quite happy with vegetarian fare. Not so much anymore. Have I mentioned that beef jerky normally would make me ill to just contemplate?

So yeah, to sum it up the hormones have made a greasy, pimply, obscenely gassy, perverted fat truck driver with acid reflux and an affinity for slim jims. I know you're jealous.

So anyway, I'm resigned to the fact that this didn't work. Which is going to suck considering the joyous goings on of my body for the last week. All this for nothing.

25 Comments:

At 1:16 PM, Anonymous statia said...

Sometimes resolving to the fact that it didn't work is better to shield yourself from negative results. When I felt void or hopeless about it, it still hurt to get the negative, but when I felt hopeful about it, it was that much worse.

But I'm hopeful for you.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

You aptly phrased every speck of yuck from my last cycle! I am so thinking about you and if it's any encouragment... i completely understand. Keep doing what you do...writing (because i love your story!) and just plain old "hanging in there". You are an amazing person with the strength of a thousand men! i have been reading through a few of your posts since you commented on my blog and i am captivated! i am already proud to "know" you. thank you for letting me read :)

 
At 2:06 PM, Anonymous thalia said...

You never know. I know it's easier not to hope, but don't deny yourself hope once or twice a day. It's nice, sometimes.

I'm hoping for you.

 
At 3:32 PM, Blogger Donna said...

Yikes! Talk about being bombarded with every symptom in the book. I'm still hoping all of this was not for naught.

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Mrs. T said...

Still thinking of and hoping for you even if you've already ready to move on to the next cycle.

I'm sorry to hear that you might have family reading. Hopefully it's just coincidental readers b/c I'd hate to see you go. :(

 
At 3:46 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

Ahh, invisible blogger paranoia. I know it well.

Beef - not that it means anything, of course - beef, I craved it before I knew I was pregnant and before the nausea hit a few weeks later. My son's in utero nickname was Angus.

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger DD said...

I don't want to be the one to jinx things but all of those symptoms are not always related to progesterone...

It's too, too early to be resigned.

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Sheryl said...

Hey lady... don't you dare give up hope yet. I know hope's a bitch... but don't give up on her just yet ok!!! I'll be crossing everything I can for you :)

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger zhl said...

I don't know a lot about the effects of progesterone, but those symptoms sound a lot like you know what. So I hope it's okay if I remain less than resolved for you.

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger daysgoby said...

So you bear a striking resemblence to Homer Simpson?
Hmm...wouldn't have pictured it...

I hope next week is better for you!

 
At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Lori said...

As someone who deals with IBS, I so feel your pain with some of your progesterone symptoms. Sorry you have to deal with that along with everything else.
I know it seems easier to deny hope but it's still early.

 
At 11:01 PM, Blogger Nico said...

I've certainly never had most of those symptoms with my IUI's - sore boobs and a few mild digestion problems are it. So I'm joining the other ladies in being hopeful for you.

 
At 11:31 PM, Blogger Millie said...

Progesterone is evil. Pure t evil.

But don't give up hope. It's way too early to tell anything. We'll do your hoping for ya if you can't do that right now.

 
At 8:24 AM, Anonymous Alexa said...

Umm...I am not so resigned, yet, if only because your symptoms remind me so much of how I felt last December. Really. But I know it is easier not to get your hopes up--maybe you can hope, but not expect...does that make any sense? Good luck, and sorry you are feeling so horriffic.

 
At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Erin said...

That's the best progesterone description I've ever heard. Pure poetry!

 
At 12:02 PM, Blogger Lisa P. said...

I know that my pregnancy symptoms are not necessarily ones you want to aspire to given the outcome; however, the smell thing was a dead-on clue for me and did not happen when I was using OTC progesterone (not the same, I know, but some of the other symptoms were there.) So I wouldn't resign to anything just yet.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Blue said...

Ya gotta love Progesterone!

And, I am so glad I don't actually know you so that I may continue reading and cheering you on.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger Em said...

Don't write those symptoms off. I too have veiny boobs but one thing that I have noticed, or at least in the first trimseter was a totally heightened sense of smell and my perfumes smelled completely different on me and made me want to heave.

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger Anna said...

I'll keep on hoping for you. I've got all crossable things crossed for you... I really wish you good luck : )

 
At 4:45 PM, Anonymous Leggy said...

I'm not trying to be a "baby dust" spreader or smack down your defenses that it didn't work (I know why you do it), but I've been PG twice and been on progesterone more times than I can count.

In my experience.... the sore boobs and constipation are progesterone-related. The wacked out dreams, weird food interest/disinterest, and the extremely sensitive sense of smell are PG related.

Also, one thing about the boobs- if they are just getting bigger and a little sore, that's progesterone. If they are getting all vein-y and the nipples are getting darker, that's more like PG symptoms.

Hope and praying...

 
At 4:51 PM, Anonymous wessel said...

Agree with the others that heightened olfactory sense can be a more sure sign of pregnancy than just about anything else. It's awfully early though . . . I think you can't make too much of symptoms at this point, whether absent or present.

I hope you are wrong and that this cycle is a win!

 
At 5:38 PM, Blogger DeadBug said...

I completely, totally, without reservation understand the self-protective need to be pessimistic at this point. Really, I do. However...WAAAAAY to early to give up hope. And the drug s/e's sound so very familiar.

The heightened sense of smell is, I think, responsible for most of my nausea. For the first eighteen weeks, EVERYTHING smelled bad and brought up a wave of nausea. Hand soap, toothpaste, lip balm, tomatoes, Jeff...EVERYTHING.

--Bugs

 
At 12:06 AM, Anonymous Mary Scarlet said...

Hmmmmm ... well, hoping this is still going to turn out well for you. Sounds like it could still be pos. Waiting with bated breath.

 
At 7:39 AM, Blogger Toni said...

You know, when I had my IVF and my swelling was starting to decrease - I freaked out it didn't work. Turns out it did - just settled down a bit. So hopefully this is what's happening to you. I'm crossing everything...

 
At 10:28 AM, Anonymous Sarah said...

I so remember the joys of progesterone supplementation, and of post-IUI hormonal rollercoastering. It's just so strange and you never know what to attribute to the medication. The two-week-wait is the hardest thing and I remember it so well. But I promise, it is going to be ok in the end. And if it's not ok, it's not the end.

 

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