Well I have passed the test, just like all the rest

But never really understood the reasons why I took it in the first place. Ahhhhh, in the first place.

Last Friday we went on a moonlit canoeing trip, and he picked me up from work. I left my car in the garage here, assuming I would pick it up on Saturday or Sunday. Well, both those days came and went, and I never managed to make it back. So yesterday I took the train down, with the intention that I would drive my car home. The only problem with this was that I had forgotten my keys in the front seat of his car in my rush to get out and get to the train in time.

My best friend took me home from work - and this morning I headed out for the train again - this time with my keys. At first, there was a 20 minute delay for the train, which soon stretched to 40 minutes - which ended up that the train was cancelled completely. Lovely. So I am now stuck - extremely late for work which is at least 45 minutes away with no way to get there. So, I called Michael who works 30 minutes north of the train station and pleaded with him to come take me to work (45 minutes south of the train station). Miraculously, he did without much grousing.

So I get downtown, drop off my briefcase in the office and take the metro as I need to get to the passport agency (we leave in less than 2 weeks, and I have still not applied for mine - perhaps I am too irresponsible to be a parent?). The metro promptly breaks down. So I hop off, run downstairs, and walk to the next stop and get on another one... which is delayed about 15 minutes.

I just barely make it to my appointment, and have to take the metro again back to the office - and of course - it breaks down. At this point I'm just pissed - so I decide to walk. As I'm heading back to the office, a flock of birds fly overhead and I feel something sticky on my forehead. Reaching up, I manage to smear it all over my hair. Fan-fucking-tastic. Just remember, you heard it hear first - avian poo is the newest fashion accessory.

So while I'm trying to de-defecate my face (good heavens - who knows what kind of creeps this sentence is going to direct to my site) but you see, all I have is a leather portfolio. And I don't really want to wipe bird poo all over the portfolio. I didn't bring my purse with me, so I am sans handwipes. So I am pulling off leaves from a ficus tree, cussing loudly, and trying to wipe it off. At this precise moment, three of the partners in my firm walk by and look at me like I'm crazy.

And you know, maybe they're right.

The rug has slipped from beneath me.

Apparently, I misread his cues. When he was looking with me - and ooing and ahhhhing over houses and real estate listings - he didn't mean it. When he was with me at Thanksgiving -scoping out neighborhoods - talking about how great the houses were and how much fun it was to live there - I should have known that it was only to placate me. When he was helping me investigate firms, and telling me the things to say to impress them - I should have seen that it was an unacceptable option. He didn't really want it. I should have somehow divined that he did not want to move. He would not be happy if we moved. It was simply not an option. Not now. Not ever. Definitely not there.

Last night an ultimatum was dangled. And then he simply quit talking to me - four hours of complete silence. He refuses to talk about it because there is simply nothing to say.

How silly of me. I feel like volumes could be discussed.

I certainly think he's entitled to his beliefs - and his happiness. So please don't judge or chastise him for that. Chastise me if you must place blame somewhere.

I must now contact each of these employers and let them know that I have to withdraw my resume. I have no idea how to diplomatically say "thanks - I am sorry for wasting your time, but you see I truly have no intention of moving there." I feel so mortified from a professional standpoint.

I've been avoiding their calls - and as it turns out - my best friend just got called for one of the jobs. I hope for her sake that she gets it. At least then I will feel a little less guilty.

But if anyone has some advice - I'd love to hear it. As I'm having a craptactular day.

So it looks like I will be here indefinitely. Happiness be damned.

Infertility has made me nothing if not incredibly bitter.

Five and counting

I spoke to five different firms today that want to fly me up for interviews. I also spoke to a realtor today, and looked a little at houses. Beautiful roomy houses with 1/3 to 1/4 of the price tag as here.

Of course, since we leave in 2 weeks to Europe, I'm not sure when I'll be able to take time off to go interview (since each firm wants a 1 day interview). But I will manage.

It will work.

"Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it."

I've at least got my toe in the water, and I can see the ship on the horizon.

Thanks for coaxing me along.

In which it is revealed that I am a complete FRAUD

This is the point where I acknowledge how much of a fraud, an imposter, a shyster cloaked in lies I truly am.

Since this whole “pregnancy/baby/child” thing hasn’t been working out so well, I decided to redirect my efforts into something more readily tangible. Something that – would arguably take almost as long, but would significantly impact our lives (hopefully for the better). True, we have palm trees, and I’m currently harvesting ripe tomatoes and peppers from my garden. Admittedly there is 70 degree year round temperatures, and we’re literally within walking distance of the beach. Yeah – I have a great job, Michael’s incredibly happy with his, and I just got a raise. I should be happy… but I’m not.

I hate it here. I have no family here, my closest friends are all moving away, and I find myself an outsider from entire culture here. I am a sort of expatriate. It’s pitiful when two attorneys cannot afford to buy a decent starter home for less than nearly half a million dollars. I am stuck in traffic for over 2 hours each day (that’s 40 hours a week!). I pay through the nose for car insurance. We don’t even have renter’s insurance because it’s too damn expensive – and nearly nonexistent.

So, I have flung myself headfirst into relocation efforts. I needed focus, a goal – something attainable. I needed validation that I could achieve something… anything positive. So I sent out resumes, and surprisingly enough – got very positive responses (it pays to be in a quirky area of the law) very quickly from very esteemed firms. Too quickly. So quickly that I hadn’t truly thought through the consequences of this decision, (you mean if I send resumes out – I might have to interview – and maybe MOVE across country???) and to be quite honest – didn’t have my husband’s resounding support and enthusiasm about it. Oh sure, he was vaguely accepting of the idea, but didn’t think it would happen, and certainly not as quickly as it seems to have.

[I just realized this is probably the closest thing emotionally that we will ever feel to an unplanned pregnancy].

So now, I sit – counting the days, quietly sharing my bits of good news with my nearest and dearest friends, and hoping upon every shred of hope that this actually works out. And yesterday, in my blissful state – talking about the reduced cost of living, and what color would I paint the new bedroom, etc. Michael dropped the bomb. “What if you get pregnant between now and then? Then we can’t leave because you won’t have maternity leave, health insurance, or even be entitled to FMLA leave. And since your salary would go down if we moved to location X, you wouldn’t be able to take the extra unpaid leave off you were planning. And you just got a raise. You’d be making about 20% less there.”

We waited for so long to be able to comfortably start trying for a child. We waited until we had insurance (medical, disability & life). We waited until we were out of school, were comfortably settled into a home, and had put in my dues with my job long enough to take maternity leave. And now I must decide – do I go back on birth control? Do I chance getting pregnant? What if it is our only shot? Do I just let go and see what happens?

I spoke to my old neighbor yesterday who had her son only after ovarian drilling for PCOS. She waited for so long for him, and yet – when she asked if anything was new with us (i.e. were we pregnant – she chided – well don’t wait too long! He’s already fifteen months old. We were trying before she was pregnant. She said you’ll never believe how quickly time goes when you are caring for someone, watching them grow up every day before your eyes. She’s right. I wouldn’t believe that time could pass quickly when I have meted out my life in 2 week increments for the last 2 years.

In the nearly two years we have been yearning and trying for a child, this wasn’t the route that I expected to take. Of course, none of the journey thus far has been. So what would you do – would you keep trying, keep hoping? Or would you put this hope for a child aside for another year to eighteen months (about how long I would need to get settled in the new place, and work long enough for FMLA & paid leave)?

I feel like such a fraud.

Thank you.

To each of you. You are amazing, incredibly special women.

Thank you for your love and support. You have no idea how much it means.